“If Kamala Harris can be Indian for 50 years and suddenly turn Black because it’s politically expedient, then I’m Black too!”
Taking a page from the political primer of Democratic presidential nominee Kamala Harris, Republican nominee former President Donald J. Trump delivered an address at a campaign rally Thursday in which he claimed an African-American heritage, declaring, “I just discovered that I’m Black.”
“I always thought I was a kraut, honest-to-God,” said Trump. “And frankly, I’ve always been almost magically drawn to things Teutonic: Wiener schnitzel, bratwurst, German potato salad. Adolf Hitler is, as you well know, one of my favorite authors. However, when the truth finally dawned on me, you coulda’ knocked me over with a fistful of baby’s breath!”
Trump said that he came to the realization of his Black heritage at a previous campaign rally in Auburn, Indiana, which holds the distinction of being the whitest city in the Hoosier state, at 96.37% Caucasian. “These people,” Trump went on with a frown, “just stood up and started booing me. Me! The now-and-forever president of the United States. So I up and told them, ‘get back, you crackers!'”
“If Kamala Harris can be Indian for more than 50 years and then, suddenly, turn Black because it’s politically expedient, then I can too! You know, I feel Black. I mean, right now I could go out on the streets of New York and break a shop window and steal a TV set. And I feel like getting high, too!”
“It hasn’t been an easy transformation for me,” averred the 45th president, “but now that it’s done, I’m glad it happened. All that remains is for the more than 40,000,000 Blacks — of which Kamala Harris is not one! — and the more than 60,000,000 Latinos to vote for me.” When asked what might draw Latino and Black voters to cast their ballots for him, Trump said it was “My brown — well, okay, orange — skin which will prove to be the magnet attracting them.”
When asked how, apart from his political fate, Trump’s transformation into a Black man has impacted his life, the ex-president said he no longer craves McDonald’s Big Macs and vanilla ice cream and Diet Cokes, bur rather BBQ ribs, fried chicken and watermelon. Trump, a life-long non-user of alcohol and tobacco, displayed a sudden interest in Hennessey and Kool cigarettes. “I can’t explain it,” said Trump with a shrug, “but there it is.”
When asked if his transformation has affected any of the policies he might promulgate as president, Trump nodded and said, effecting a deep South patois, “Yes. I be thinkin’ that we keep all dem’ honkies from them countries like Norway and Sweden and Denmark from settin’ foot in our great land. I still wanna’ buy Greenland from Denmark, though.”
Trump added that he plans to convert Trump Tower into a multi-level crack house and petition the courts to absolve him of all charges in his various legal venues, on the basis that “They be pickin’ on me cause’ I’m Black.” When Trump was asked who was shepherding him through this startling transformation, Trump announced his “Racial Sherpa” was singing sensation Kanye West.
When a reporter inquired how Melania was responding to his change into a Black man, Trump said he “Done kicked Melania to the curb.” According to Trump, he has set his sights romantically on Oprah and Beyonce.
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