[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Pledges to Evict Illegal Immigrants from 5-Star Hotels

Claims immigrants get rooms in 5-star hotels and are living in luxury.

Donald Trump pledges that once he’s back in the White House, he’ll start evicting illegal immigrants that he claims are living lives of luxury in 5-star hotels all over the United States.

5 star hotel lobby
Pianos are often featured in the lobbies of 5-star hotels, which immigrants can’t even play, says Trump. Photo: Alan Light, CC BY 2.0

Trump cited one supposed example of a family of 15 illegals from Somalia that he claimed were occupying two penthouse suites at a San Francisco, California luxury hotel near Fisherman’s Wharf. The hotel is described as having stunning views of the Golden Gate Bridge and San Francisco Bay.

Trump said the hotel’s room service is delivering to the immigrants gourmet meals prepared by expert chefs. The meals supposedly include foie gras, escargot, classic coq au vin, caviar, and sushi, along with a variety of vintage wines. Dessert consists of truffles and chocolate mousse covered in vanilla frosting. Following dinner, the hotel’s beauty salon staff gives the immigrants manicures and pedicures with American taxpayers footing the bill, charged Trump.

In another supposed case, Trump said a family of 20 Mexican migrants has taken over the top two floors of a Houston, Texas, 30-story five-star high-rise hotel that forced tourists to find other accommodations in the city. On the two next lower floors, Trump said, immigrant families from El Salvador are soaking in whirlpool baths and relaxing in saunas, and after they towel off, waiters wheel into their rooms a choice of venison or double-smoked salmon with horseradish cream.

Trump called it an “insult to all real Americans” that the luxury hotels where the immigrants are said to be staying consist of cities run by Democrats. He said that in the past three years under President Joe Biden, his administration has spent over $1 billion to put up illegal aliens in hotels that are considered “some of the most luxurious hotels in the country.” Trump did not indicate where he got the $1 billion figure, but reports indicate it’s possible he was referring to a federal initiative that provides funding to local governments and nongovernment groups to help offset those costs.

City officials in both San Francisco and Houston said Trump has his facts wrong and is inventing stories. The immigrants are staying in more affordable motels and low-budget hotels, not five-star hotels, and do not have gourmet food delivered to their rooms, they said. If anything, the immigrants eat at fast-food restaurants or buy their meals from food trucks, said the officials.

But Trump doesn’t accept that explanation. “This is the terrible thing that’s happening to our country,” said Trump. He claimed also that because the illegals are taking over all the luxury hotels and taking “disgusting advantage” of Americans, “our veterans, our great veterans are living on the streets like dogs.”

City officials said in some cases, when hotels and motels are not available, the immigrants have resorted to sleeping in tents. Even this Trump found offensive saying that the illegals are sleeping on Little League baseball fields. “Our kids can’t have a Little League baseball game anymore because you have tents and you have migrants living on the fields,” Trump said. “When I’m President, the illegals will all be sent back to the hellhole countries they came from.”

Trump’s remarks fit his continuing pattern of dehumanizing undocumented immigrants. They are “poisoning the blood of our country,” he said. Trump vows if he’s reelected President to deport all of what he claims are 21 million illegal immigrants from the U.S. Trump repeatedly charges, without evidence, that immigrants crossing the U.S.-Mexico border are coming from mental institutions and jails.

Meanwhile, in New York City, Trump cited social media posts that said illegal immigrants had stormed City Hall demanding housing in luxury hotels rather than city shelters. But officials said the social media posts had misrepresented the actions of the participants and the reason they had assembled peacefully at City Hall was for a hearing about racial inequities in New York’s shelter and immigrant support systems.

In that regard, Trump’s son, Eric Trump, falsely said that one of the finest hotels in New York City, located in one of the “greatest locations in midtown Manhattan…that charges thousands a night,” has illegal immigrants “taking all the rooms there.”

Eric Trump asked, sounding like his lying father, “when are we going to get serious and put our citizens first? It’s America last under” the Biden-Harris administration. Eric Trump claimed that 150 hotels in the city are full of illegal immigrants.

But a hotel industry advisor in New York said Eric Trump’s claims are all wrong and purposely misleading. He explained that it is primarily low-budget hotels, vacant office buildings, school gyms, and emergency shelters that are housing undocumented migrants in the city.

Donald Trump said he is “outraged” hearing on social media that illegal immigrants have tried to “invade” his “beautiful” Trump Tower on 5th Avenue in New York and are demanding he let them stay there.

“My people would have to drug me first before I’d ever allow an unwashed immigrant into my building, the finest in the world. Okay?” said Trump.

With that, an immigrant spokesman joked that the immigrants could stay in the 10 floors that Trump, the master fabricator and exaggerator, deliberately skipped numbering when constructing Trump Tower in order to exaggerate that his building has 68 floors when in reality it is only 58 stories high. The place is not as “huge” as he pretends, to use one of Trump’s favorite words.

“I’m sure The Donald could afford to put the immigrants up on those 10 missing floors,” suggested the spokesman.

Eric Green
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