The VP candidate apparently caught a rare genital disorder from his running mate, Donald Trump.
A spokesperson for vice-presidential candidate Senator JD Vance (R. OH) announced at a press briefing Monday that Vance suffers from a rare genital disorder, a case of Communicable Peyronie Disease (CPD). The Senator reportedly contracted the condition, which is characterized by a bent and swollen phallus, through repeated contact on the campaign trail with Republican presidential candidate former President Donald J. Trump. Trump famously suffered the condition approximately one year ago. (See Humor Times, June 1, 2023).
Although Trump himself was unavailable for comment, according to Trump spokesman Steven Cheung, “President Trump does not now know JD Vance, has never met JD Vance, and has not had relations — of any sort — with the Senator. He’s never met him.” Which begs the question, inasmuch as the two men have been running mates since last July.
Regardless of the origin of the condition, Peyronie disease can be debilitating and must be promptly addressed. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic have advised surgery, but whether the procedure can be delayed until after the 2024 election is at question. Dr. Ambrose Bierce, DVM, has suggested transplant surgery, “preferably with a higher vertebrate.”
Initially, Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Seymour Pussy, in consultation with Vance’s doctors, advised the Ohio Republican to follow the ex-president’s example by undergoing transplant surgery with an orangutan. Vance demurred, however, feeling he would “be more comfortable with” a cetacean donor (blue whales have penises as large as 10 feet in length). Vance, however, was said to personally prefer another species of whale.
“Sperm whale has a good ring to it,” said Vance with a satisfied grin. “Yeah, I like the sound of ‘sperm.'” The Senator’s wife, Usha, reportedly fainted dead away when she learned of her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s plans.
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