Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Madden NFL 25, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Madden NFL 25’ top vid game

Look for the special edition where the players are even more realistic, called “Madden NFL 25 to Life.”

NY Mayor Eric Adams is being charged with acting as an unlicensed foreign agent

… Which for a New Yorker could mean doing business in Yonkers.

Will Smith’s farts were so powerful that “Men in Black” set had to evacuate ‘for about 3 hours,’ Barry Sonnenfeld says

And if you think that stinks, checkout “Wild Wild West.”

Trump accuses Democrats and Republicans of plotting against him

See! He is bringing the country together.

Red Lobster’s new CEO said the seafood chain’s endless shrimp offering caused an all-you-can-eat chaos

Yup … left the restaurant a shellfish of its old self financially.

It’s National Poetry Day

Big shout out to the girl from Nantucket.

Brad Pitt is older than Tim Walz

Hell, the painting of Brad Pitt aging in Pitt’s attic looks like Walz.

FEMA guarantees that those in disaster areas in need qualify for 700 dollars immediately

That’s the law. No more. No less. I guess a bunch of people are mad they’re still $99,300 short of getting that Trump watch.

Navy SEAL under fire for moonlighting as porn actor

Odd, because Seals usually get in an out without anyone knowing.

Vance says Trump tried to save Obamacare

Hmmm, that’s like saying the iceberg was just testing the seaworthiness of the Titanic!

Multiple Oklahomians claim Sasquatch sighting

This may explain why it’s called Tokelahoma!

Jimmy Carter turns 100 today

One thing you won’t see is him hawking a Jimmy Cartier watch to commemorate ….

Thousands of toxins from food packaging found in humans

Even more shocking, any actual food was found inside packaging.

Trump says he is going to “make” 60 Minutes “apologize” to him for fact checking his lies

60 Minutes: Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)