[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump’s Plans to ‘Reshape America’

The ex-prez says he will “reshape America” with a “War on the impoverished” – “Every state should be like Texas,” he says.

Anticipating victory in a presidential race which is statistically a dead heat, Republican candidate former President Donald J. Trump went on at length at a “press event” Saturday at Mar-a-Lago, vowing to reshape America in the image of Texas. As part of this effort, he said he also plans to change the legal landscape in regard to a seminal Supreme Court decision.

Reshape America like Texas
Trump wants to “reshape America” like Texas, with their awesome “red” GDP. Graphic by Radom1967, CC BY-SA 4.0.

“I like what (Arkansas Governor) Sarah Huckabee Sanders has accomplished in her state,” began Trump,” speaking at a McDonalds-catered lunch for a dozen journalists. “They have the absolute lowest TANF (Temporary Aid for Needy Families) rates in the nation, at $204 for a family of three — that’s one sex-addict, crack-using welfare queen and her two pickaninnies). Unfortunately, Arkansas expanded Medicaid, and that is sad. I salute my friend (Governor) Greg Abbott on what he has done in Texas. It takes a lot of guts to refuse $5 billion in free money each year,” he remarked, referencing Texas’s decision not to accept federal funds to expand Medicaid.

“I want to revisit a particularly unfortunate Supreme Court decision,” said Trump. He cited Edwards v. California, the 1941 ruling which prohibits states from holding as criminally liable those persons who bring into the state people who are impoverished. “The poor should not be allowed to migrate to other localities,” said Trump sternly. “They need to stay where they are, under mindful observation, so that they do not cause any mischief. The first thing you know, they’ll try to vote!”

“Where the poor go,” he rhapsodized in a sing-song voice, “trouble follows.” When asked what other provisions he would make in regard to the poor, Trump said — echoing his running mate, Sen. JD Vance (R. OH) — that The chronically poor should be sterilized. It’s all part of my keen new eugenics program,” he boasted. For the disabled or other persons not able to withstand the trauma of a surgical procedure, Trump advocates for a “gold star” to be affixed to their apparel, or else receive an identifiable tattoo.

And back to Texas: “A family of three miserable derelicts receive $768 in SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) funds per month. This is a disgrace. Generic Cheerios and no-name potato chips are not that expensive. I believe this figure should be pared back by half. Of course,” he went on, “it might be different if the family dined daily on Trump Steaks! Fortunately, people of employable age (18-52) are limited to three months benefits in any three-year period), This is good reasoning by Governor Abbott; if the poor are well-fed, they’ll only want to reproduce.

“Texas has a budget of $233 billion this year; that means that my buddy Elon Musk could totally fund the state out of his own wallet.” Trump smiled into the bright sunshine. “God, I love being rich! The Texas budget addresses all the important aspects of running a state. For example, $1.6 billion is provided as a slush fund for the Governor: no accountability; I love it. And $1.4 billion to harden public schools against shooters. And the Texas Department of Education is working in tandem with the NRA to offer marksmanship courses to male students as young as six years.

“Also, regarding Medicaid, as Gov. Abbott has said, ‘The best way to get insurance is through an employer.’ ” When a reporter remarked that fully one half of Texas jobs offer no health insurance, Trump snorted and said, “You’re talking about the poor again. Get over it, okay?”

“I am proud to say,” said Trump, that in the 12 states which reject Obamacare Medicaid expansion, some 2 million people have fallen into a coverage gap. Of that number, fully one third live in Texas. I’m a bootstraps kind of guy,” he boasted, “and Texas has not let me down. A family of three who earn more than $4,000 a year are ineligible for insurance! I have,” said Trump, my own ideas on a War on Poverty!”

As the question/answer session began to wind down, a reporter asked what was new in Texas’s anti-migrant program. “Ooh,” said Trump excitedly, “Abbott has requested, and I have agreed to provide, military-grade anti-personnel devices suitable for implantation along the Rio Grande River. As you know,” concluded Trump, Mexico and other shithole countries have shipped more than 70 million refugees from prisons, jails and insane asylums to our pristine shores.” Trump rubbed his orange hands vigorously together. “I can’t wait for Day One,” he said.

Bill Tope
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