By Red Barnes
Should you be lucky enough to get an invite to dine “Chez Donald” at the home of our once and future president, you might be presented with a menu like the one shown here. It would not be surprising as this unique bill of fare accurately reflects The Donald’s distinctive penchants, personality, pouts and public record.
Appetizers
Amuse Bouche Avec Anal Pucker
Assorted Horror d’Oeuvres
Chest Puffs
Fist Pump Crudites
Presidential Stake Tartare
Liar Pate
Pate de Fool Gras
Tapenade with Criminal Capers
Fifth Avenue Shooters
Escargots in Political Slime
Coquilles Saint Donald
Oysters Trump-a-fella
Oysters on the Half Wit
Full of Bull Mountain Oysters
Fruitcake Cocktail
Soups, Salads and Breads
Consummate Con Man Consommé
Court Bouillon Garnished with Indictments
Bullybaisse
Simple-ton POTUS Potage
Dumbo Gumbo
Creep-hole Jumble-aya
Logic Chowder
Word Salade
Wedge Salade Divided in Partisan Quarters
Bad Boy Baguettes
Pain de Asse Grande
Electoral College Toast
Hush Money Puppies
Double Cross-ants
Blowhard Trumpet Crumpets
Manna from MAGA Heaven
Small Plates
Birther Baloney
Hot Dog Whistles
Swine in a Wet Blanquette
Anti Hero Subs
Oeufs Trumpty Dumpty
Deviled Dreggs
Nickname Cornucopia
Crepes Plein de Crappe
Heartless Palm with Vulgar Bulgar
Soy Braised Tariff Terrine
Deep State Pizza
Hot Air Souffle
Quiche of Death
The Whole Immigration Enchilada
Policy Hash Made Great Again
Unfounded Fondue
Chicken Right-wings
Radical Left-overs
False Grits
Fake Fries
Entrees
Cock of the Walk au Vain
What a Crock Monsieur
Full of Beans Cassoulet
Prime Cuts of Corporate Taxes
Embroiled New York Steak
Red Meat Ragout
Skewered Lies du Jour a la Trump
Constitution Flambe
Self-cooked Goose
Political Poison Poisson
Pawn Scampi a la Russe
Shrimp Scammy
Demagogue Etouffee
Dictator Diablo
Autocrat a la King
Muck-king a l’Orange
Rambler Ratatouille
Grilled Pets Haitian Style
Worst of the Wurst with a Sour Kraut Side
Whiner Schnitzel
Ghoulish Goulash
Spam Trump l’Oeil
Thugster Thermidor
Stewed Psychopath
Inflated Ego Grandiose
Faux Electors en Papillotte
Roasted Critics with Sarcasm Drippings
Political Enemy Puree
Shredded Rival Ragu
Pot-au-Foe
Attack Chops Garnished with Insults
Rogue Rigged Rigatoni
Spaghetti with Golf Balls
Retribution Stuffed Ravioli
Revenge Servee Froid
Dessert
Assorted Cheesiness
Salted Nut Job
Snarling Chocolate Bark
Concepts for a Healthy Candy Assortment
Democracy Crumble
Election Interference Trifle
Tyranny Torte
Napoleon Complex Pastry
Extremely Flaky Apple Pie
Minced Meat of Enemy Pie
Horseface Tarte
Puddin’ Head Brulee
Flim Flam Flan
Four S’more Years
Petit Fours for Tiny Hands
Bankrupt Profit-eroles
Trumped Up Truffles
Bombastic Bombe
Bobo au Rhum
Bloodbath Pudding
Beverages
Endless Diet Coke
Wacky Sour
Witch Hunt Whine
Sauvignon Blank
Turnover Vineyards Cabinet Sauvignon
Chateau de la Grande Wall (Very Red Border Bordeaux)
Pinot Grudgeo
Self Pity Sham-pain
Macho Caffé Machiatto
Sleepy Trial Tea
Author bio: Red Barnes is retired from writing the least funny books on the face of the earth — software user guides. As author of way too many technical manuals, she rarely had occasion to laugh. But now freed from the yoke of technical drudgery, Red is indulging her appetite for satire in a world rich with targets. And she promises none of her humorous looks at that world will document steps for fixing it.
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