Fresh Perspective on Latest Polls - Ed O'Neill, Humor Times

Detailed polling numbers provide a fresh perspective on Presidential race, with shocking results.

With the election roughly two weeks away, the polling numbers don’t seem to indicate which of the two candidates, Donald Trump or Kamala Harris, has the edge. Most of the numbers are 1 or 2 points apart, and well within the margin of error. But the Endicott Group, a Boston-based think-tank, has reexamined the polling process with a new, fresh perspective and replaced the typical demographic breakdown.

The Endicott method goes further than gender, race, education, and income classifications. The data collected is very detailed and the numbers reveal some distinct advantages for the candidates among these under-represented groups. The margin of error is +/- 38%.

Likely voters whose primary residence can be moved with a Ford F150
Trump — 78%
Harris — 22%

Likely voters whose primary residence is a former slaughter house in the meatpacking district that is now a $4700 a month loft with a shared bathroom, no hot water, and a funny smell
Harris — 86%
Trump — 14%

Voters that earned a PhD in philosophy that prepared them for sorting packages on the night shift for UPS
Harris — 88%
Trump — 12%

“My life and all my deeds are inspired by the words of the prophetic and saintly Kid Rock”
Trump — 90%
Harris — 10%

Likely voters whose last name contains one or more hyphens
Harris — 83%
Trump — 17%

Most likely to order a Bud Light in a crowded bar
Harris — 100%
Trump — <1%

Likely voter that has two first names, the second of which is Ray, Lee or Joe
Trump — 84%
Harris — 16%

Voters that only drive American-made cars
Trump — 70%
Harris — 30%

Voters whose car is currently up on cinder blocks in the front yard
Trump — 70%
Harris — 30%

Male voters with dirty fingernails
Trump — 63%
Harris — 37%

Male voters with painted toenails
Harris — 71%
Trump — 29%

Likely voters that own cats
Harris — 61%
Trump — 39%

Likely voters that eat cats
Harris — 79%
Trump — 21%

Voters most likely to arrive at polling station in face-paint
Trump — 91%
Harris — 9%

Voters most likely to bring 8 year old child with them to polling station, also in face-paint
Trump — 88%
Harris — 12%

Voters most likely to flee to Cancun and leave their constituents stranded in a natural disaster
Ted Cruz — 100%

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Ed O'Neill

Ed O'Neill is a New Jersey native that watches the world but rarely participates. He has authored several well-received product reviews on Amazon, including "Colby's Lemon-scented antibiotic bunion salve" and "Chan's zen-infused mostly natural plant food spikes". He's fluent in both English and Gibberish. He's in Little Old Lady Comedy, Robotbutt.Com, and Flexx Magazine (RIP)