Ex-president compares himself to Abe Lincoln, endorses Putin plan to conquer Ukraine.
Donald Trump said he made — and will make — a greater president than Abe Lincoln, because he knows how to stop wars from happening.
“I’ll give Lincoln his props,” said Trump, “but he did nothing to prevent America’s Civil War like I would have done.” Even more as a testament to his brilliance, said Trump, he’ll end the conflict in Ukraine and also settle the raging crisis in the Middle East.
“Why wasn’t the Civil War settled?” Trump asked. “If I had been president back then, the war would never have happened. As a world-class leader and businessman, I would have sat the North and South down at the negotiating table and hammered out a deal. Remember, who else but me could have written the greatest book in history, The Art of the Deal? Okay?”
Trump said that, “People listen to you when you’re as handsome as me and dress for success. Abe Lincoln looked like a slob. His Q rating was in the toilet,” said Trump. Lincoln should be faulted for his leadership, claimed Trump, because “it doesn’t make sense that we had a Civil War” which could have been stopped.
On that little matter of slavery, which most historians rank as the prime cause for the Civil War, Trump said it really was no big deal. He would have resolved the issue on his first day in office. “The Blacks love me. The Whites love me. I would have arranged something to make everybody happy. So, no Civil War. Okay?”
One critic of Trump’s comments said that they prove he’s an ignoramus about history. The critic pointed out that Lincoln actually did try to settle the North-South dispute, telling the South they could keep their slaves and their way of life, but slavery would not be allowed to expand further in the United States.
Trump also said if he had been president, “Ukraine would have never happened” and that the Hamas terrorist attack on Israel on October 7, 2023, also would have never occurred.
Trump said that because he’s such a “stable genius,” he knows what needs to be done to end the war in Ukraine. He endorsed a peace plan offered by Russian President Vladimir Putin that in exchange for giving all of Ukraine to Russia, the Ukrainians would receive a year’s supply of goulash, borscht and of course the finest Russian vodka. Trump justified giving Ukraine away to Russia by falsely saying that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky “let that war start.” In fact, Russia invaded Ukraine in 2022.
Trump said he had no problem if Putin wanted to next take over Poland and Moldova, but that the Russian leader would have to promise not to let any of the citizens in those countries emigrate to America.
“We have enough illegal immigrants in our country already that I’m going to kick out on my first day in office,” promised Trump.
On the small matter of the Middle East crisis, Trump again said he’d clean up the mess in a day or two after being sworn into office next January 20.
“Look, the Jews love me. The Muslims and Arabs love me. I have a secret plan to end the fighting that I’ll reveal after I become President again. I can’t tell you now because rotten, low-IQ Kamala Harris and her dirty Marxist Democrats will try to steal it from me if it becomes public. All I know is the war will be over before you know it and everyone will feel safe and joyous. Okay? Trust me. Would I ever lie to you?”
As if he was sick and tired of talking about Ukraine and the Middle East and wanted to discuss more important matters, Trump related that the late golfing legend Arnold Palmer had unusually large genitalia. Which as some jokester put it, an “Arnold Palmer” has now become a reference to something other than a big golf swing. Trump said that Vladimir Putin was no slouch in that department either, and again, we’re not talking here about golf.
“I’ve been in the locker room with Putin,” Trump revealed. “When he took showers with the other Russian officials, they came out of there and said, ‘Oh My God. That’s unbelievable.’ People say the same thing about me too,” boasted Trump about his manhood.
Arnold Palmer’s daughter remarked that Trump seems to be “fairly obsessed” with the sizes of certain things. This obsession, she said, even extends to how big a crowd he claims he draws at his campaign rallies. For instance, Trump said 107,000 people showed up at a rally in New Jersey, 68,000 people showed up in Alabama, and 81,000 in South Carolina. The news media said all those numbers were grossly inflated.
Trump said who can believe anything the “lying lamestream left-wing media says?” The truth is, he said, “I’ve spoken to the biggest crowds. Nobody’s spoken to crowds bigger than me.”
Trump’s latest statements about the sizes of his crowds, not to mention the sizes of other things we dare not mention in polite company, only prove that Trump has become even more delusional than before.
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