Dancing with the Stars: Trump Qualifies

After Pennsylvania dance fest, Trump qualifies to star in Dancing with the Stars: “I’m the best dancer.”

Preparing for a new career if he loses the election in November, Donald Trump has announced that he will star in the next season of the ABC show, Dancing with the Stars.

The producers were so impressed by Trump’s 39-minute song and dance fest at a recent rally in Pennsylvania that they extended the offer to Trump.

“No one has better moves than me, not Carrie Anne Inaba, not that Carlton Guy, not that Bruno guy, none of them,” said Trump. “I’m the best dancer and everyone knows it.”

Trump said he’s prepared to do his two signature moves, the alternating balled fist toward the mouth maneuver and the jazz hands while swaying right to left move.

“People say really gross, disgusting things about the way I dance, that it looks like I’m doing something nasty with my hands and mouth, but that’s just in their own filthy mind,” said Trump. “They’re just jealous that I’m a better dancer than they are.”

The full cast hasn’t been announced yet, but rumor has it that soon-to-be-out-work Senator Ted Cruz will also be on the show, doing his most famous dance, the Cancun Shuffle.

“I’m looking forward to competing and having Donald Trump insult me about my dancing, because I’ll deserve it, and I enjoy the abuse,” said Cruz. “I just want him to like me.”

Senator Josh Hawley may also be on the show, and word has it, he is already practicing his famous dance, the January 6 Step.

“No one can move faster across a floor than me,” said Hawley. “You’ve seen me at the Capitol, now watch me on the dance floor.”

Trump said he fully expects to win Dancing with the Stars and if he doesn’t, then its rigged.

“The show is on ABC and you know how much they hate Trump, so if I lose, then we know its rigged,” said Trump. “If I don’t win, we’re gonna walk down to the ABC studios and fight like Hell, and if you don’t fight like Hell, you’re not going to have me as the winner of Dancing with the Stars. Will be wild.”

After his performance on Dancing with the Stars, Trump is mulling launching a concert tour, where he will dance with Kristi Noem and the Donald Trump Dancers at venues across the country to the handful of songs he’s not banned from playing.

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Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.