[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Calls Harris ‘Stupid,’ Extols Arnold Palmer’s ‘Nine-Wood’

Former president touches on a variety of issues at a rally, including the genitalia of Arnold Palmer.

Touching on a variety of issues at a rally in Latrobe, Pennsylvania, Republican presidential nominee former President Donald J. Trump focused most intently on Democratic nominee Vice President Kamala Harris’ “abject stupidity” and the genitalia size of golf legend Arnold Palmer.

Arnold Palmer statue
Arnold Palmer statue, unveiled in 2009 in honor of Palmer’s 80th birthday. Pictured: Arnold Palmer with sculptor Zenos Frudakis. Photo: Zenos Frudakis, GFDL.

“Stupid Kamala,” rhapsodized Trump in a sing-song voice, addressing more than a thousand boosters in Arnold Palmer’s birthplace of Latrobe, Pennsylvania, “is dumber than a box of rocks. Now I’m not saying this because she’s a woman or a so-called Black,” he went on, mugging for the audience, “but because she has been addicted to crack cocaine — like all Black people — since a tender age.”

“There’s something wrong with Kamala (he pronounces as “Kuh – Moll – Uh”) and I just don’t know what it is, there is something missing.” After a moment, he added, “At Wharton we used to call it the ‘shit-for-brains syndrome.'” The crowd laughed merrily.

Harris rose to prominence on July 21, when President Joe Biden withdrew from the presidential race and endorsed Harris. Since that time, Trump has variously referred to the vice president as “dumb,” “mentally unfit,” “slow,” “stupid” and an “extremely low IQ person,” among other similar negative epithets. Last week on his Truth Social media platform, Trump defied Harris to “pass a test on Cognitive Stamina and Agility, as I have. I aced the test,” he boasted.

Pausing for a moment to slurp loudly from a can of Diet Coke, Trump continued, remarking pointedly on the size of golf legend Arnold Palmer’s penis. “Arnie had good junk,” said Trump, grinning. “He had a terrific nine-wood; or maybe even an eleven-wood,” and he flashed a thumbs up. The crowd clapped politely.

“Arnold Palmer was so heavily endowed,” Trump went on warmly, “that he could make a man’s putter stand out straight, even if he wasn’t LGBTQ.”

He concluded with “Vote early and vote often, and vote for Donald J. Trump!”

Bill Tope
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