Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Taylor Swift donating to Hurricane relief efforts, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Taylor Swift donated to Hurricane relief efforts — Taylor Swift donating to Hurricane relief efforts.

Taylor Swift has donated $5 million to ‘Feeding America’ for Hurricane relief efforts

Or … three concert tickets without parking on the secondary market!

Trump declares himself father of IVF

Which is weird because it sounds like the name of one of Elon’s kids.

New DNA analysis proves that Christopher Columbus was Jewish

… Explains why he was he actually trying to sail to Boca!

Bill Clinton makes surprise McDonald’s visit while campaigning for Kamala Harris

… Even more surprising was running into Kevin McCarthy who was applying for a job.

In stunning Nobel win, AI researchers Hopfield and Hinton take 2024 Physics Prize

Why they were studying Allen Iverson still a mystery … Oh wait.

Hamas leader Sinwar is gone

… A guy who literally brought the words Sin and War together.

Parasitic outbreak in North Carolina traced to undercooked bear meat, CDC says

… Another bad reason to attend a fundraiser for RFK Jr.

Travis Barker reportedly not happy Kourtney Kardashian wants to reach out to former flame, Justin Bieber

It’s gotten to the point that these people don’t have lives they have reboots.

Largest Super Moon of 2024 predicted

Someone needs to tell Chris Christie to keep his pants up!

People who complain of boredom are 2.5 times more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke

At least, they weren’t busy when it happened.

Liz Cheney spoke at Kamala rally

While, word is, her dad invited Vance on a hunting trip.

Happy World Teacher Appreciation Day

Apparently, that’ll have to do … instead of benefits and a decent salary.

Hurricane Oscar hits category 1 status

While the hope is that Hurricane Felix cleans up right after it.

Rudy Giuliani has officially been disbarred in DC

… Look for him to appeal it all the way to the parking lot of the Supreme Courtyard by Marriott.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)