Colin Allred Interview: Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Democratic Congressman Colin Allred from Texas.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Democratic Congressman Colin Allred from Texas. He is running for the Senate against Republican Ted Cruz. And special guest Democratic Senator from Vermont Bernie Sanders. Bernie is campaigning with Colin on a bus tour through the state of Texas.

Allred visits a chip factory. Photo: Senator Collin Allred’s Office, Public Domain.

BERNIE SANDERS

I’m shvitzing. It’s so hot in Texas the cows have evaporated milk.

JERRY

Welcome to the show gentlemen.

CONGRESSMAN COLIN ALLRED

Thank you. I am here to make my case why Senator Ted Cruz should not be reelected.

BERNIE

I’ll tell you the reason. He’s a putz.

JERRY

Why?

BERNIE

Do we have a couple of hours? Seriously. Cruz tried to shut down the government in 2013 to block funding for the Affordable Health Care Act. We had to listen to him read Dr. Suess all night. Something about Horton Hires A Ho.

JERRY

Colin. Why should Texans vote for you?

COLIN

Because I will bring back dignity to the Senate and a better life for Texans. Have tighter asylum laws, more border agents, reproductive health care for women and I’ll tackle climate change.

BERNIE

And he knows a thing or two about tackling. Colin was a linebacker for 4 years with the Tennessee Titans. You don’t get to be 6’1″, 238 pounds eating soy nuts.

COLIN

I’m big, because it runs in my family.

BERNIE

Let’s face it. That’s because nobody runs in your family.

JERRY

Did you guys hear about the fire in the University of Texas’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

COLIN

No.

JERRY

The real tragedy was 15 hadn’t been colored in yet.

BERNIE

Let’s discuss climate change. Ted Cruz is a climate denier, yet 97% of scientists say it’s a fact. There’s so little sea ice left in the Arctic that polar bears are hitchhiking to Minnesota for an ice cube. Go figure.

COLIN

Let’s not forget that Cruz is fat and lazy. The only way he can do sit-ups is with a remote between his toes. I will continue to work with Republicans. Texas Senator John Cornyn and I worked on a Bipartisan Safety Communities Act. What has Ted Cruz done? Being half Canadian and half Cuban, he has the face of a Walrus combined with the personality of Fidel Castro.

JERRY

Disturbing.

BERNIE

Look. You need to understand I like Ted Cruz. More than my colleagues in the Senate. And I hate him.

COLIN

Help get me elected listeners out there. I promise you pot in every chicken. Oops. I mean chicken in every pot.

BERNIE

Jerry. Could anyone be worse than Ted Cruz?

JERRY

Try Donald Trump.

BERNIE

Oy. I must of had a senior moment.

JERRY

Congressman Colin Allred and Senator Bernie Sanders. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.