By D.F. Brady
Breaking News: Should Trump win, his administration would implement special “treatments” for “Trump Derangement Syndrome.”
In a stunning leak, an anonymous whistleblower — let’s call them “Deep Throat 2.0” — has revealed a secret addendum to Donald Trump’s 2025 administration blueprint. This isn’t just another government playbook, folks. No, buried deep in this document lies Trump’s audacious plan to manage opposition once he returns to office: a nation-wide mental health intervention.
Welcome to the world of “Trump Derangement Syndrome” (TDS) — soon to be officially recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. That’s right, critics of the former (and future) president won’t just be labeled “angry liberals” anymore. No, they’ll be diagnosed as mentally ill.
In the Spirit of the World’s Foremost Leaders
At a recent rally, Trump hinted at his inspiration: “This plan,” he declared, “was crafted in the spirit of China’s iron-fisted Xi Jinping and Hungary’s fabulous President Viktor Orbán.” Naturally, both men are on board as top-level advisors for Trump’s second term. Their advice? Simple: treat political opposition like any other illness — diagnose and cure it.
Step One: Diagnosing Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS)
Under Trump’s plan, the American Psychiatric Association will officially classify TDS as a legitimate mental illness. And it won’t stop there — new subcategories will ensure no deranged citizen goes undiagnosed:
- Acute Resistance Syndrome (ARS): For those who tweet anti-Trump sentiments more than five times a day.
- Chronic Never-Trumper Disorder (CNTD): For those still clinging to their “Never Trump” bumper stickers like a drowning man to a lifeboat.
- Delusional Media Obsession (DMO): A condition plaguing MSNBC viewers and anyone who listens to Rachel Maddow podcasts.
Each diagnosis comes with its own custom emoji so sufferers can easily share their condition on social media.
Treatment Centers: Rehabilitating America, One Blue State at a Time
With the APA on board, Trump will establish TDS Rehabilitation Centers, funded by Medicare and Medicaid. Blue states will provide the majority of patients (naturally), and these facilities will be conveniently located in scenic, isolated areas — national parks and decommissioned missile silos, perhaps.
Once committed, patients will undergo intensive therapy: daily group sessions led by MAGA-certified fundamentalist Christians, firearms training with AR-15s, and a comprehensive course on U.S. constitutional amendments — starting, of course, with the Second Amendment and Roe v. Wade.
Patients will be rewarded for progress. After learning to shoot a rifle with “patriotic precision,” they’ll unlock privileges like golf on Trump-owned courses, binge-watching The Apprentice, and motivational speeches from Don Jr.
The Ultimate Reward: A Stay at Mar-a-Lago
Successful Trump Derangement Syndrome treatment graduates will enjoy a two-week stay at a recreated Mar-a-Lago, complete with golden bathroom fixtures and life-sized portraits of Trump himself. Nothing says recovery like a hot tub soak beneath the benevolent gaze of the President, right?
Back to Good Christian Values
To ensure patients never relapse, all programs will focus on values clarification. A daily regimen of anger management, prayer, and the proper interpretation of constitutional amendments will prepare them to re-enter society. Reverend Franklin Graham will personally oversee this program, offering moral guidance and high-quality MAGA-approved sermons.
Probation and Freedom: With Conditions
After discharge, patients will be on a one-year probation, fitted with ankle monitors equipped with microphones to detect any lingering signs of TDS. Social media access will be restricted to Truth Social to keep them safe from “dangerous” platforms like Twitter.
The Trump Graduation Ceremony
The final step? A grand graduation ceremony at Trump Tower. The 500 most-improved patients will be personally congratulated by the man himself. They’ll receive a Scroll of Gratitude, signed in bold, gold ink, and a 20% federal tax credit for two years. Patriotic sing-alongs will cap the evening, with newly composed anthems honoring Trump’s genius, set to music “borrowed” from Bruce Springsteen and Taylor Swift.
D.F. Brady is the pen name for a PhD is a clinical psychologist who has consulted broadly to national and international government and nonprofit agencies. He specializes in the design and operation of services for persons with serious mental illness. He has held visiting professorships at four major universities. His humorous personal essays and social commentary have been published in the NY Times, Newsday, and numerous literary journals. Currently, he is a private practitioner, assisting people in sharing a variety of deeply personal stories and remembrances.
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