Ripping The Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Boeing workers on strike, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Boeing workers reject offer, stay on strike

Boeing said it’s leaving the door open and unhinged.

‘Ways to become a calmer and more effective person through election stress’

Number one: Taking deep breaths and Xanax. And the deep breaths are optional.

Dog eats 5 100 dollar bills’

Because of withholding taxes, only poops out $375.56.

Eminem blasts Trump at Kamala Harris rally in Detroit

It’s the Real Slim Shady against The Not Real Slim and Really Shady!

Over 90% of US Dollars have cocaine residue

That means that George Washington wasn’t only the father of this country … but of Colombia, too.

Happy 53rd Birthday, Snoop Dogg

That’s 351 in Dogg years!

Kate Beckinsale wore a ‘testicle-like’ dress and the comments are completely out-of-pocket

The last time she had that big a dick wrapped around her in public it was Pete Davidson.

Aaron Rodgers appears to pick his nose

… On the upside, unlike his usual, this one didn’t end in a pick six.

Bronx Zoo elephant spotted after months-long disappearance

No surprise. Well, she is the 800-pound elephant in the room.

Scientists finally know what stopped Mongol hordes from conquering Europe

My guess, hotel and restaurant prices.

Ted Cruz took refuge in closet during 1/6 riots, book reveals

… So nice of Lindsey Graham to make room for him …

Starbucks downgraded as analyst cites execution challenges ahead

Well, Latte Da De Da De Do!

Video shows nearly 100 raccoons swarm woman’s yard, prompting 911 call in Washington

Granny on Beverly Hillbillies: Hold my skillet.

Trump’s McDonald’s stunt didn’t help effort to win presidency

… Or employee of month!

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)