Jerry Duncan Show Birthday Surprise - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host, Jerry Duncan, celebrates his birthday by interviewing his mother via heavenly hologram.

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. Today, a surprise guest for Jerry’s birthday. His mother Maggie Duncan from a hologram in heaven.

JERRY DUNCAN

Hi Everyone. Is it a good day? Not sure. The staff has a surprise for my birthday. I hope it’s a hot babe.

JERRY

Surprise guest, whoever you are. Please reveal yourself.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Where’s the birthday boy? It’s your mother.

JERRY

Shit! Sorry, folks. An emergency came up.

MAGGIE

What emergency? Are you having a nervous breakdown?

JERRY

Only when I hear your voice.

JERRY

Sarah Palin is going to circumcise her newborn grandson with a hunting knife and invited me to attend the ceremony.

MAGGIE

That nut can wait. I am sending you an angel food cake for your birthday. It’s baked by real angels.

JERRY

I can’t eat sweets. Gives me pimples. You don’t understand.

MAGGIE

I do. Last week my acne got so out of control, Helen Keller was reading my face. I know. You don’t want pimples when you’re trying to find a nice girl to settle down with.

JERRY

Not this again.

MAGGIE

Mrs. Anderson has a niece. Beautiful face. Never been married.

JERRY

Translation. Chubby and desperate. Save the cake for her.

MAGGIE

I have another surprise for you. The 16th president of the United States Abraham Lincoln wants to say hello.

PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Happy Birthday. Won’t you be my neighbor?

JERRY

That’s Mister Rogers, you idiot.

LINCOLN

Duncan. Four score and seven years ago your mother stripped at my bachelor party. Just kidding.

JERRY

Okay, wise guy. What do you call a 350-pound stripper?

LINCOLN

I don’t know.

JERRY

Broke!

JERRY

You were born in a Kentucky log cabin in 1809.

LINCOLN

True. My family was so poor, the ducks used to throw bread at us. But I was determined to succeed. I became a lawyer. Argued 175 cases before the Illinois Supreme Court.

JERRY

Why did you quit?

LINCOLN

I wanted an easy job, so I ran for Congress. I was a Whig, then a Republican.

JERRY

Republican? If you were in that party today your nickname would be “Dishonest Abe.”

LINCOLN

One hundred percent.

JERRY

The Republican Party. Same trailer. Different park. Tell me something I don’t know about Abe Lincoln.

LINCOLN

I’m sort of a lucky guy. Married Mary Todd and had 3 kids. I say sort of, because my life wasn’t all roses. I was depressed, had smallpox and malaria.

JERRY

Did you say malaria? Donald Trump has the cure. It’s called hydroxychloroquine.

LINCOLN

I’m already dead. You’re talking to the greatest president in the history of the United States. I freed the slaves and ended the Civil War. Trump started one again.

JERRY

The Trumpster claims some of his best friends are African American. For example, the Lieutenant Governor of North Carolina Mark Robinson who is running for governor.

LINCOLN

He scares me. Robinson is a self-proclaimed Black Nazi and believes in slavery.

JERRY

And he’s so damn ugly. Last week fatso Robinson took his pants to the cleaners, and they thought it was curtains.

JERRY

Hey, always wondered. Did your old man go sideways when you chopped down the cherry tree?

LINCOLN

That was George Washington. Don’t you read books?

JERRY

Does Dr. Seuss count?

MAGGIE

Jerry. Here’s a fun fact. Did you know John Wilkes Booth was one of the greatest actors in history? I heard he really killed it at Ford’s Theatre.

LINCOLN

Yeah. I was really enjoying the play Our American Cousin until I asked Booth for a headshot at intermission.

JERRY

This interview is going south.

LINCOLN

Duncan. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

JERRY

Senator Ted Cruz?

LINCOLN

A southern zoo has a description of the animal in front of the cage along with a recipe.

JERRY

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Must leave. Sarah Palin is running out of crazy things to do.

JERRY

My mother Maggie Duncan and President Abraham Lincoln. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.