Stationary may be rationed as armies of lawyers gather under war clouds over Washington DC.
Washington DC — As Election Day draws near, there are signs that both major campaigns expect the winner to be decided in a courtroom rather than a voting booth. Legal teams for Vice-president Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump are believed to be gearing up for battle and assembling armies of lawyers, according to a Trump campaign insider.
“We’ve seen some movement on the other side that concerns us. The intelligence gathered indicates a heavy concentration of lawyers in the southeast sector of the capital. Satellite images show an unusually large group forming at a Starbucks in the Fort Dupont Park district. We’ll keep an eye on them.”
While the Harris team inches ever closer to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, the Trump camp is making preparations of their own. Legal expert and Trump confidante Rudy Giuliani has been recalled to active duty. Giuliani is unable to practice law within the capital after being disbarred, however he is free to scream and shout nonsense throughout the rest of the nation where he is not disbarred, only disgraced.
Along with Giuliani, the Trump campaign has assembled a gaggle of constitutional law experts to prepare for the battle, and they’re getting familiar with the case at hand.
“We’ve attained a copy of the United States Constitution,” a member of the group said. “It has a lot of legal language that we’re not familiar with. And the fact that it’s written in cursive with one of those feather pens from the olden times on that crispy brown paper makes it a tough read. We have decoders working around the clock on it.”
The Democrats haven’t been particularly secretive about stockpiling the weapons needed for the legal battle that awaits. Several Office Max stores have seen a sharp uptick in sales. Attorney Johnny Fuqua commented on the preparation.
“We bought a bunch of those long yellow notepads that legal people use. We bought some small yellow pads too. They come with some sticky stuff on ’em. They’re pretty cool. We’re about as prepared for a fight as anyone can be.”
The United States Supreme Court, certain to be dragged kicking and screaming into the fray, is prepping, as well.
“I’m planning a trip to the Keys to go sport fishing with a group of my millionaire friends,” Clarence Thomas told this reporter.” I like to keep my finger on the pulse of the people. I could spend my time reading law books and court documents but, in the end, my wife makes all the decisions, anyway.”
Chief Justice John Roberts confirmed that the members of the bench were in “battle stations” mode.
“Brett is planning a keg party for the clerks and interns. He likes hanging out with the kids. Elena and Sonia are getting pedicures, and for some strange reason, Neil is tagging along with them. I think we’ll be prepared to save America from a free and fair election.”
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