Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the LA Dodgers, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Dodgers win World Series over Yankees

Breaking: Garrett Cole just covered first base.

Insult comic takes heat after RNC speech: Why Tony Hinchcliffe is no Don Rickles

Personally, I’m so sorry Bob Newhart didn’t live long to say, “I knew Don Rickles. Don Rickles was a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Don Rickles.”

Nurse who snapped photo of patient’s penis surrenders license

So, where’d they discover the pic? In her junk mail?

Aides talked Trump out of new offensive nickname for Biden

He was going to call him ‘Eric?’

American Airlines lands its longest-ever nonstop flight after 8,300 miles, nearly 16 hours

Yeah, no big deal, most of it was spent circling LAX!

Olivia Nuzzi is out at New York Magazine after relationship with RFK Jr.

Somebody, please get Pete Davidson’s pic up over Gotham instead of the Bat Signal!

$1.5 million worth of marijuana seized after traffic stop

They would’ve gotten away with it if they hadn’t stopped at the drive thru for the buy 200 cheese and bean burritos get 200 free deal.

How to make leafy greens tastier

Deep fry them. You’re welcome.

Jimmy Kimmel: “If you’re a reasonable person, you should have ‘Trump Derangement Syndrome”

… While everyone around Trump has ‘Trump Arraignment Syndrome.’

Happy 83rd Birthday, Paul Simon

Now when he walks over a Bridge of Troubled Water, the sound makes him have to pee.

RFK Jr. says Donald Trump has promised him “control of the public health agencies”

Look for him to recommend people eat at El Polio Loco.

Ex-NFL quarterback Jay Cutler arrested for DUI and gun possession

On the upside, the guy isn’t good at hitting a target under pressure.

Federal Elections Commission filing shows Ted Cruz spent $9,000 from his Senate campaign account at beauty spas

… Wasn’t enough

US economy added 12,000 jobs

… Although, it would be a lot more if they included all the Russian bots hired to troll on Twitter.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)