As he did last time, President-Elect Donald Trump has pledged to hire “only the best people,” which means the very worst.
President-elect Donald J. Trump told reporters on Thursday that he is set to hire “only the best people” to serve his administration as the nation’s 47th president. Asked who he had in mind, the former president went down the list of those individuals presently under consideration for the top spots.
Treasury Secretary: Despite conjecture that Trump might nominate either hedge fund investor John Paulson or economic advisor Scott Bessant to the post, the president- elect announced that the position would go to nepotism hall of famer son in law Jared Kushner.
Trump said that neither Paulson nor Bessant were “shady enough,” but that Kushner is in an arrangement with Saudi Arabia which since 2021 has paid him some $112 million with zero return on their investment. “Jared is very transactional,” noted Trump, “and above all else, I respect that.”
Secretary of State: Described by Trump as “an individual whose main responsibility will be to say no,” to aid to “shithole and other countries,” secretary of state is often described a a plum position in any administration. Sen. Marco “Little Marco” Rubio (R. FL) had been slotted as a lead contender for the role, but Trump announced that his new secretary of state would be Rep. Matt Gaetz (R. FL), definitely one of the best people, and long an outspoken opponent of U.S. involvement in Ukraine.
Reached at the Roseville Junior High School in Tallahassee, where he was serving as a prom date, Gaetz said he was honored and would afford due diligence to the position. “We’ve wasted $175 billion on the Ukes so far,” stormed Gaetz, “but that day has passed.”
Attorney General: In the run up to the election, Trump flirted with nominating Nazi Sen. Mike Lee (R. UT) and equally fascist Sen. Eric Schmidt (R. MO), but said he is “99% settled” on former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Although 80 years old, feeble and almost universally disbarred, “Rudy has not lost a step,” claims Trump, who added that “this should stick it” to Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, plaintiffs in a lawsuit against Giuliani. “Besides,” said Trump, “you only get better with age — just look at me!”
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Trump said he plans to nominate Robert F. Kennedy Jr., 70, noted environmental lawyer, anti-vaccine activist and conspiracy theorist. Kennedy indicated he plans to eliminate vaccines for MMR (measles, mumps, rubella), Covid-19, flu, diphtheria, smallpox, and polio. “Franklin Roosevelt suffered from polio,” said Kennedy defensively, “and it didn’t hold him back. My dad was a big fan of FDR!”
He said he also plans to ban birth control, menstrual products, antibiotics, insulin, Tylenol, bottled water (particularly in parts of the country still using lead pipes), Fluoride and Band-aids. “Bobby has it going on,” said Trump. Foremost among Kennedy’s responsibilities will be reform of the Affordable Care Act (ACA).
House Speaker Mike Johnson (R. LA) has suggested that, in 2025, Congress would “reform Obamacare out of existence.” Trump has given approval to this approach, remarking the reform was in line with his much touted “program of eugenics.” 45 million Americans are covered under the ACA.
Trump also indicated he will introduce a new cabinet level position, known tentatively as the Ministry of Discipline, under whose purview would repose the deportation of as many as 50 million migrants, green card holders, DACA individuals and “other coloreds and undesirables.”
He further indicated that this might well entail “putative American citizens,” including but not limited to those who were born in this country of persons who were foreign nationals. Also attached to the the Ministry of Discipline would be Seal Team 6, whose responsibility would be the “neutralization of opposition” to the president. Trump also foresees the creation of as many as 40 Vermin Containment Facilities (VCFs) in the American Southwest. “There’s beau coup work to be done,” said Trump. The president-elect said he promised the position to Reichsfuhrer Steven Miller, who has pledged to initiate the child-separation policy, which was the pinnacle of the previous Trump administration, as soon as possible.
Trump will also create the Department of Government Efficiency. His “Efficiency Czar,” said Trump, will be industrialist Elon Musk, founder and owner of Tesla and Space X. Musk has indicated that he intends to slash discretionary expenditures (comprising $1.6 trillion of the current budget) by as much as $2 trillion.
Contacted in the executive powder room at Tesla, where he was masturbating furiously, Musk said the “culture of entitlements” is at an end. He told citizens not to worry, however, that “billionaires would not suffer unduly” the arduous financial straits which are to befall the middle classes. Said Musk, “I always come through.”
And finally, on a much more personal level, is appointment of the president-elect’s Chief of Staff to his group of “best people.” Among those suggested for the role of what is perhaps the second most powerful person in the executive branch are Hope Hicks, Gov. Kristi Noem (R. SD) and Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. Trump has said that he is undecided, that it is a difficult choice, inasmuch as “they all give good head.” He said he will make his decision soon.
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