Bemidji, MN Mayor Interview: Talk Radio

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Bubba Wells, the Mayor of Bemidji, Minnesota.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. My mother refuses to talk to me. Today on the show my guest is Bubba Wells, the Mayor of Bemidji, Minnesota.

Paul Bunyan, Bemidji, MN — Paul Bunyan and Babe statues in Bemidji, MN. Image: free use.

JERRY

Hello Bubba.

MAYOR BUBBA WELLS

Just a minute. I’m going to cough into the phone. Maybe you’ll get the coronavirus.

JERRY

(sarcastic) Must have taken you a month to come up with that one.

JERRY

Having been mayor for 6 years, you must know everything about Bemidji.

BUBBA

Yep, I do.

JERRY

What happens when you get 32 people from your Walmart in the lunchroom?

BUBBA

No clue.

JERRY

There’s a full set of teeth.

A parrot named Polly is heard squawking and talking.

POLLY THE PARROT

Bubba, you’re an idiot! I told you I wanted weed, not seed. How do you expect me to get through this interview?

JERRY

Is that your parrot?

BUBBA

Yeah. Her name is Polly.

JERRY

Polly want a cracker?

POLLY

A cracker? It’s early, bro. Polly want coffee and a cigarette.

JERRY

Bubba. Tell me something about Bemidji.

BUBBA

We have three Indian reservations. One has a casino. I tried to get in last Saturday night with my dog, but was turned away.

JERRY

Why?

BUBBA

They told me no outside food was allowed. These guys mean business. Two peanuts walked into the same casino. One was a salted.

JERRY

Now that’s a problem.

JERRY

Isn’t your job to lead the city council meetings? Enforce the laws for Bemidji? Protect peanuts?

POLLY

He has a more important job, Duncan.

JERRY

What?

POLLY

Bubba cleans up reindeer dung at Santa’s Workshop.

BUBBA

You got a big mouth!

POLLY

Just sayin.

JERRY

A-ha, Bubba. You’re in the dung business. Do you know what one fly said to the other?

BUBBA

No.

JERRY

Is this stool taken?

POLLY

Funny boy. Real funny. AAAWK!

BUBBA

Hold on. I have a text message. Dolly Walz’s pregnant and her water broke. Now the basement is flooded. And the poor soul can’t swim.

JERRY

Yikes.

BUBBA

This is an emergency. I better call the mayor.

POLLY

You are the mayor, moron.

BUBBA

Thanks for the reminder.

JERRY

Is Dolly related to Minnesota Governor Tim Walz?

BUBBA

It’s his niece. Those two people sure love Minnesota. Especially Tim.

JERRY

Why?

BUBBA

It’s the only place where his speeches can be longer than winter.

POLLY

Bubba cracked a funny. AAWK!

BUBBA

Just remember, Polly. I have a taxidermist on speed dial. You’ll look good on my wall next to the deer head.

POLLY

AAWK!

BUBBA

Another text from Dolly. Good news. She’s being rescued by Bullwinkle the moose.

JERRY

Then one more question. I understand the giant lumberjack Paul Bunyan lived in your area.

BUBBA

Oh ya. We have a huge statue of him and his Blue Ox. There was a rumor in the old days that Paul Bunyan had bad diarrhea.

JERRY

How do you know?

BUBBA

It was all over town.

JERRY

Bemidji Mayor Bubba Wells and his parrot Polly. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.