Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Timothée Chalamet, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Timothée Chalamet crashes look-alike contest before it’s shut down by Police

I can only hope it was by Sting, Andy Summers and Stuart Copeland lookalikes.

Subway sandwiches are short on meat, lawsuit claims

But, in fairness, you can make up for it by ordering an Arnold Palmer to drink.

Angry crowds boo and throw eggs at Spanish king as he visits flood-hit Valencia

So, that’s how we got Spanish omelets.

Trump is set to transform Washington as G.O.P. extends gains

… While Canada is planning on building a wall … and will pay for it.

10 long-term celeb couples that never married

Number 1: Adam and Eve.

Happy 78th birthday Sally Field

In case your hearing’s not as sharp, ‘WE LIKE YOU, WE REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!’

43 primates on the loose in South Carolina town after escaping from research lab

… 44 if Mickey Dolenz is in town

Jennifer Lopez reportedly hasn’t let this aspect of her Ben Affleck marriage go just yet

So, there’s still a chance for a Gigli 2!

RFK Jr. says Donald Trump has promised him “control of the public health agencies”

So, literally Bear Claws for dessert …

Quincy Jones, giant of American music, dies at 91

Move over Gabriel. Heaven has a new trumpeter. God speed, Quincy Jones.

Tucker Carlson says he was beaten by a demon

He should stop beating himself up over beating himself.

People are hooked on Costco hearing aids, and this is why

What?

They smoke pot, drink booze and consider themselves sober

… What are applicants for Trump Cabinet positions?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)