[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

With Trump Victory, Washington D.C. May Secede from the Union

Parts of California, Maryland and the east coast could follow suit and also secede from the Union.

With 92.4 percent of its citizens voting for Kamala Harris against Donald Trump for President in 2024, the city of Washington, D.C. says it might secede from the Union.

DC may secede from the Union
View down Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC, which may secede from the Union. Photo: Ben Schumin, CC BY-SA 2.0

D.C.’s Mayor and City Council said that in seceding, it would be abiding by the will of its residents, where Trump won only 6.7 percent of the vote for President even as he emerged victorious in the nation as a whole. D.C. had the highest percentage of votes for Harris of any jurisdiction in the U.S.

The federal district of D.C., where the White House, the U.S. Congress, Supreme Court, the U.S. State Department and other government buildings are located, would remain in the U.S. But with D.C. citizens having no vote in Congress, although they can vote for president, city leaders say leaving the U.S. might in fact give them a greater voice on running their own country. D.C. could join up with other places in the U.S. considering secession where Harris won large majorities.

Those places include the coastal region of California stretching from San Diego north to San Francisco and beyond, along with some counties in the Golden State’s interior; parts of Maryland and Virginia, the states of Oregon and Washington, most of New England, New York and New Jersey, and a few other select jurisdictions where Harris beat Trump.

If they can agree on how it might work, these areas may link up to form something that could be called the United Un-Trump States of America. It would be like how the southern Confederate States of America back in the mid-1860s operated in splitting from the northern states. Leaders in these Harris-backed regions say they may want to quit the U.S. because its citizens can’t abide the intolerable idea of living in a country where Trump is president.

Asked to comment on D.C.’s secessionist plans, Trump offered conflicting reactions. First, he said that if D.C. wants to leave, “go ahead and do it, be my guest. The hell with them. They’re traitors anyway.” Then considering that it might make him look bad and that can never be allowed, he said “nobody’s leaving on my watch.” Trump said that, if necessary, he’ll use the U.S. military to imprison D.C. leaders, if not executing them first. Anyone holding up a protest sign saying something bad about Trump would be shot on sight, he threatened.

“You think Abe Lincoln was tough on the Confederate states for trying to leave the Union?” asked Trump. “Wait till you see what Donald Trump has in store for these socialist scumbags. After I get through with them, they’ll never ever think of pulling that stunt again. Okay?”

Trump previously has derided D.C. as full of “filth, decay, and graffiti” on the walls of “broken buildings” and that as President he’ll “drain the swamp.” Makes one wonder that if the nation’s capital is so horrible why in the world would he want to live there?

One thing’s clear. Trump’s nasty comments most likely alienated D.C.’s residents. That could have contributed to Trump not exactly being the darling of the city’s voters.

The new secessionist movement of blue states favoring Harris follows a smaller red state movement to secede from the Union after Trump lost the presidency in 2020. Texas and Alaska had the greatest number of people wanting to secede and start a new country several years ago.

Texas State Rep. Kyle Biedermann–best known for dressing up as a “gay Hitler”–introduced in 2021 the Texas Independence Referendum Act to allow for a state vote on secession. His idea went nowhere.

Biedermann did his gay Hitler routine at a 2008 charity fundraiser. He said he donned the costume as a “spoof” and maintained that he was neither a Nazi nor gay and that “nobody should be offended” by his outfit.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene from Georgia, known for her always reasonable assessment of the situation, called for a “national divorce” in 2023 between red and blue states.

“Everyone I talk to says this,” said Greene. “From the sick and disgusting woke culture issues shoved down our throats to the Democrats’ traitorous America Last policies, we are done.”

But Greene’s brilliant analysis doesn’t take into account that present day America doesn’t look like 1861 when the Civil War began. As pointed out by the Washington Post newspaper, there are now many bluish areas in the South, and reddish areas in the North.

“So breezily suggesting that we ‘separate by red states and blue states’ makes no real sense,” said the Post.

However, Trump, with his extremist MAGA policies, makes Blue State America see red. Conversely, or maybe even perversely, with more than 92 percent of D.C. voting against him, Donald Trump will turn blue in the face from his normal orange knowing he’ll soon be living in a place where most of its population dismissively regards him as a yellow-bellied snake.

Eric Green
Share
Share