Trump Hires James Bond, Dumps SS - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

President-Elect Donald Trump hires his own security team, including James Bond, saying that he no longer trusts the Secret Service.

According to SNN Clandestine reporter Sneakin A. Round, as president, new Donald Trump hires will include his own private security force. He said he intends to dismiss the U.S. Secret Service, whom he no longer trusts.

Trump hires security — Trump showing how much he trusts the Secret Service. Photo: Alex Hanson, CC BY 2.0.

His new security team is set to include, among others, Mr. James Bond, famed Slobovian Secret Agent Redd Hott, Vladimir Putin’s former personal assassin Ludmilla the Thrilla, and an Artificial Ignorance entity known as Gittchy Goomee.

Mr. Trump said that he no longer has faith in the Secret Service, since the botched security that led to two assassination attempts this year.

Although Mr. Bond was reportedly killed in 2021 during a British Intelligence operation, Trump said that Elon Musk has the technology to bring him back from the dead.

Mr. Trump stated that he will make many other changes in the White House during his upcoming return as well. For starters, he said that is contemplating moving the Capitol to Mar-a-Largo. Among the other changes will be:

The liberal press will be banned from the White House and Air Force One. He said that he will send for them if and when he has something to tell them.
He will close the the White House kitchen and dining room, and install his own franchises of McDonald’s, Bojangles, KFC and Billy Biscuit.
He will build a private dungeon in the White House sub-basement.

Breaking News

Since Trump Election, Liberal Media Experiencing Rash of Suicides and Asylum Commitments.

SNN Words to Live By

“It’s nice to win.” — Donald Trump.

“Winning takes talent. To repeat takes character.” — Basketball coach John Wooden.

“The person who said winning isn’t everything never won anything.” — Soccer player Mia Hamm.

The Question of the Week

Which of the following is a real person?

Billy Batson
Nathan Burdette
Folmer Blangstead
Wilson Sweet
Jessica Fletcher
Lucky Jenkins

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.