Crossing the Atlantic is just a start, says David Goggins, retired Navy SEAL, triathlete and author of two memoirs.
In a feat that has impressed even his most ardent detractors, David Goggins bolted across the Atlantic today in twenty-nine minutes and fourteen seconds.
An Eskimo, witnessing the feat, claimed to hear a hypersonic boom before spotting Mr. Goggins zip past Greenland. He wore a red superhero costume with a 007 insignia on it, implying he embodied the spirit of both James Bond and The Flash.
“How did you manage to run across the Atlantic?” asked Trey Yengst, chief foreign correspondent for Fox News.
“Easy. You just can’t be a fuc*ing pussy!” Goggins replied with his trademark candor. “Bitch *ss ocean ain’t sh*t!”
Joe Rogan, comedian and podcaster, was stunned by the YouTube video of the legendary run. He deemed Goggins “a freak of nature,” comparing him to the host of a basket weaving show on Staten Island Public Access.
Cardinal Dolan, Archbishop of New York, meanwhile, explained that Jesus was able to walk on water because he had a profound faith in God. Dolan felt that Goggins experienced a similar spiritual fortitude. “This was how he ran across a giant ocean without getting tortured by Somalian Pirates,” explained the Archbishop.
David Goggins never takes a day off. A former Navy Seal, who deployed to Iraq with Seal Team Five, and the world record holder for most pull-ups in twenty-four hours, Goggins is driven to reach his maximum potential at all costs. He runs sixty-seven miles per day minimum, does four-hundred pushups, and two-hundred and eighty pull-ups… and that’s all before he wakes up.
He then body slams a crocodile, punches a hole in the wall, and eats a box of nails scrambled in an omelet. This all helps him get in the right mindset to perform at the highest level possible. Indeed, by mid-afternoon he’s ready to get back to what he does best: calling his TikTok followers “worthless little p*ssies!” Finally, he ends his day by flexing at a Barnes & Nobles with his shirt off. This boosts sales of his memoir Can’t Hurt Me, mostly because fans are worried Goggins actually will hurt them.
What is next for the famed author, fitness guru and triathlete?
“I’m running to Pluto!” Goggins explained. “And after that the Kuiper Belt. I won’t stop till I make our solar system my motherfu*king b*tch!”
Matt Nagin has a new short story collection coming out soon, “The Book of Outcasts.” His book “Do Not Feed The Clown” was reviewed on this website. His first collection of humorous writings was titled “From the Fridge to the Crackerjack Box,” and he is a published poet, writer, educator, actor, filmmaker, and standup comedian.
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