If I Were President: My Cabinet Based on My Own TV Viewing

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My cabinet would be different, if I were president, and based on my own TV viewing.

If I were president, I would, like president-elect Donald Trump, pick my cabinet based on TV viewing. But I would get even more creative. Here is what my new cabinet list would look like, if I were president:

if I were president, my cabinet picks.
If I were president, my cabinet picks would include Rocky and Bullwinkle. Photo: Ethan Hein, flickr.com, CC BY 2.0.

Secretary of Defense, Cletus the FOX Sports robot — Is there anyone better qualified to guard our nation than an animated mechanical football player? I’m pretty sure China doesn’t have one of these babies.

Secretary of Transportation, Ralph Kramden — He has the hands-on experience needed to understand a transportation system that hasn’t been upgraded in decades.

Secretary of the Treasury, Norm Peterson — Anybody that can never earn a paycheck, and still run up an astronomical bar tab was born for government work.

Attorney General, Mr. Spock — He’s neither an attorney nor a general, so perhaps an illogical choice. However, I feel it’s important for the little Vulcan boys and girls to have a role model that looks like they do.

Secretary of Agriculture, Randy Marsh — A trailblazing visionary whose commitment to agriculture is limitless, and — OH SCREW IT! I NEED A WEED GUY!

Secretary of Labor, Olivia Walton — A mother of seven knows a little about labor, I suppose.

Secretary of Interior, Steve Harvey — I’m not entirely sure what this position covers, but given the fact that he does everything else, I’m pretty sure Steve can do the job.

Health and Human Services, Margaret Houlihan — Of course she’s qualified, but we also get a Secretary named ‘Hot Lips’. It’s a win/win.

Secretary of Energy, Jed Clampett — The guy fires a .22 caliber into the weeds and gets a geyser of crude oil. Can energy independence get any easier?!

Secretary of Education, YouTube — An ‘outside the box’ selection to say the least, but believe me when I say that there isn’t a history lesson, combustion engine assembly, or cardiac bypass surgery that hasn’t been pared down to a five minute video. Let the learning begin.

Homeland Security, Rocky and Bullwinkle — The Cold War hasn’t ended for these two patriots, and we’re a better, safer country because of their bravery. Vladimir Putin is in a world of shit with these two on his hands.

Ed O'Neill
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