Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President-Elect Donald Trump.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? No way. Today on the show my guest is President-elect Donald Trump.
PRESIDENT-ELECT DONALD TRUMP
I’m going to shut down The Jerry Duncan Show on January 20.
JERRY
FU. Don’t know how you got elected, Trumpster.
TRUMP
It’s a secret.
JERRY
Disgusting. You’re making a mockery of government with your picks to run the country.
TRUMP
How so?
JERRY
Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz for Attorney General. The Attorney General represents the United States in legal matters and gives advice and opinions to the president.
TRUMP
Not anymore. There’s a new sheriff in town. Matt’s my bitch.
JERRY
In 1917, Matt Gaetz brought a Holocaust denier to be his guest to the State of the Union address. In late 2020, he was investigated in a congressional probe for sexual misconduct and illicit drug use. His associate was sentenced to prison.
TRUMP
Not guilty.
JERRY
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem for Homeland Security. The Department of Homeland Security has a vital mission to the nation from the many threats we face from border security to cybersecurity. Also, natural and manmade disasters.
TRUMP
Kristi has a great figure. Knows how to dance to YMCA.
JERRY
Noem was banned in 2024 by Native Americans from entering nearly 20% of her state for comments she made about tribal leaders benefiting from drug cartels. She wrote in her 2024 autobiography No Going Back about shooting her puppy, because she deemed him untrainable.
TRUMP
I offered to buy Kristi another puppy, but she said, “What am I going to do with two dead puppies?”
TRUMP
Not guilty.
JERRY
Fox host Pete Hegseth for Defense Secretary. Oversees the Defense Department and acts as the principal defense policymaker and advisor. Hegseth is unexperienced on the global stage. He did serve combat duty in Iraq, but as a platoon leader was accused of mistreating prisoners by the Army.
TRUMP
I won’t hold it against Pete that he’s a loser and sucker.
TRUMP
Not guilty.
JERRY
Tom Homan for Border Czar. The department oversees securing our border from an influx of migrants at the southern border, and deporting illegal aliens already in the country.
JERRY
Homan will separate families and put them in cages.
TRUMP
Don’t sweat it, Duncan. I’ve ordered NASA to arrest aliens. ET is toast.
JERRY
President-elect Donald Trump. Convicted of 34 felony counts for falsifying business records. Tried to stop the lawful proceedings of a free and fair election by causing an insurrection on the Capitol on January 6, 2021. Impeached twice by Congress.
TRUMP
Not guilty.
TRUMP
I said before the election started that I had more votes than I needed.
JERRY
Are you admitting you cheated?
TRUMP
What happens in Moscow, stays in Moscow.
JERRY
Hey, stable genius. You nominated anti-vaxxer Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to be the Secretary of Health and Human Services.
TRUMP
Welcome back mumps, measles and polio. We missed you.
JERRY
There goes our democracy, folks. President-elect Donald Trump. Guilty!
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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