Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about John Krasinski being named Peoples ‘Sexiest Man Alive,’ doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

John Krasinski named ‘People’s Sexiest Man Alive’

While Keith Richards is named ‘Sexiest Man We Have No Idea Whether or Not He’s Alive.’

US overdose deaths are down, giving experts hope for an enduring decline

Although, in fairness, most haven’t watched the news lately.

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly ‘trying something new’ in order to heal after Ben Affleck divorce

Word is she’s spending time with the person in this world she loves the most … herself!

Trump picks Rep. Matt Gaetz to serve as Attorney General

Breaking: Octomom to head up Department of Labor.

Teens suffer first-degree burns while igniting homework in beach bonfire

Duh! They should’ve just let the dog eat it!

Conan O’Brien named to host Oscars

So, can’t wait to hear the monologue by Jay Leno …

Emperor penguin travels over 2,000 miles from Antarctica to Australia in possible first

… Good thing he looked all dressed up when he got there.

Who’s losing in the McDonald’s-Taco Bell breakfast battle?

Apparently … America’s plumbing system.

Jake Paul beats Mike Tyson, 58, on points in drab contest

At this point wouldn’t it just be safer for him to be Ironing Mike?

Pope urges sympathy for failed love in divorce debate

Somebody’s spending too much time “Keeping up with Kardashians.”

‘There can only be one’: CNN hosts predict major falling out between Elon Musk and Donald Trump

And, y’know, on that day, Trump’s going to call Elon an African American.

Happy 60th B-day, Calista Flockhart

Congratulations on your age and weight now being the same.

Megan Fox expecting a baby with Machine Gun Kelly

Looks like someone wasn’t shooting blanks.

Megyn Kelly calls ‘Snow White’ star Rachel Zegler a ‘pig’ for wishing Trump voters ‘never know peace’

… Megyn should spell her name Karyn.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)