Doctor Oz: Talk Radio Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein out intrepid talk radio show host interviews Doctor Oz, newly Trump-appointed head of Medicare and Medicaid Services.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Definitely not. Today on the show my guest is Dr. Nitwit Schnoz, the newly appointed head of Medicare and Medicaid Services by Donald Trump.

DOCTOR OZ

It’s Mehmet Oz. People know me as Dr. Oz. I want to reassure my MAGA base that I will take a scalpel to this massive agency.

JERRY

Magic coffee beans. Fact or fiction?

Fact. Though I’m not a nutritionist. I dine on McDonald’s triple cheeseburgers with my friend Donald Trump. We call him Noo-Noo the Teletubby, because he’s orange.

JERRY

What’s your plans for the agency?

Medicare is safe for now, but I want to reduce Medicaid for low-income families. They didn’t vote for me when I was running for the U.S. Senate in Pennsylvania two years ago. I’m punishing every recipient in America. Let them eat cake.

JERRY

For being a cardiologist, you’re cruel Dr. Schnoz. This will affect the health of 150 million Americans.

It’s Oz, Duncan. And who said so?

JERRY

The FDA.

After extensive studies, the only thing the FDA concluded correctly was that smoking cures ham.

JERRY

C’mon. Just more of your quackery. You claim hydroxychloroquine can be used to cure COVID. The FDA proved there are potential risks to the body. And you also claim there are alternative medicines like faith healing.

Hydroxychloroquine cured Mr. Ed, and he had a hit TV series.

JERRY

I went to a faith healing session at the local community center last month. It was a bunch of rubbish. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out. Tell us about your ties to Turkey. You’re a dual citizen.

Yes, I love Turkey.

JERRY

Me, too. With a side of mash potatoes.

We’re talking about me, Duncan. Served 2 years in the Turkish military. It’s where my peeps are from.

JERRY

You’re a Turkish military guy.

I am.

JERRY

Okay. How do you stop a Turkish army on horseback?

I don’t know.

JERRY

Turn off the carousel.

Brilliant.

JERRY

I read where Turkish President Erdogan is getting into acting.

Really?

JERRY

Yeah. He shot a pilot last month.

Oops.

JERRY

As a physician, you have been endorsing unproven products and giving non-scientific advice for losing weight.

(evasive)

Fake news. Excuse me, Trump is calling. We’re appearing together on his Conspiracy Tour before he takes office.

JERRY

Dr. Nitwit Schnoz, the only heart specialist who doesn’t have a heart.

For the last time. It’s Mehmet Schnoz, I mean Nitwit Oz. Oh hell, just call me Turk.

The Comedy Zone

Vice President-elect JD Vance wants lots of homeless babies. The angrier they are growing up in foster care, the more the Republican party can expand its base.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.