Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the 55th Anniversary of Sesame Street, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

It’s the 55th Anniversary of Sesame Street

Today’s letters are AAR and P…

Dr. Oz is in charge of Medicare

… While the Construction Worker from the Village People looks forward to being in charge of Infrastructure Week!

Bluesky is turning into a strong X alternative

Gotta say, it’s much nicer over there at Bluesky than X … Kinda like Canadian Twitter.

NYT obtains document showing Venmo payments from Gaetz to women

Damn … turns out Matt Gaetz has paid off more student loans than Biden!

Scientists link selfies to ‘narcissism, addiction & mental illness’

Yeah, yeah, yeah — but I DO look pretty cool in them …

Mexican restaurant hit by thieves 5 times in 3 years

… Would’ve gotten away with it if they didn’t wait for a to-go box.

Seinfeld star Wayne Knight claims 110-pound weight loss has hurt his career

C’mon, what did he expect now that he’s a Neeeew Man!?

2 U.S Tennis stars dads are billionaires

… No word if any of it came from racketeering.

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ lawyers say his New York home would be ‘more restrictive’ than jail

… What with all the S&M supplies.

Standing too much can raise the risk of circulatory disease, a new study says

… Unless it’s your credit in good standing, and then you can circulate money everywhere.

Elon Musk asked people to upload their medical data to X so his AI company could learn to interpret MRIs and CT scans

… No word if the worm in RFK Jr’s brain signed a release …

Happy 82nd birthday Martin Scorsese

And … a happy 32nd Anniversary to the couple living in his eyebrows.

Russian ballet dancer critical of Putin falls to his death

So … Natural causes.

Disney names 13 characters set to inspire a land of villains at Walt Disney World

The bigger question: How’d they know those Trump Cabinet picks before he announced them?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)