Who's Really the World's Richest Person?

Both Elon Musk and Warren Buffett claim they are (or “would be”) the richest person in the world.

A point of contention between fabulously rich dudes Elon Musk and Warren Buffett has erupted: Who’s really the world’s richest person?

Tesla, SpaceX, X (formerly Twitter) and Trojan Condoms owner Elon Musk’s estimated fortune as of Nov. 1 places him at number one on the storied Forbes List of Fat Cats, with just over $320 billion in the bank.

However, a story recently published on media platform Truth Social states that, had billionaire investor Warren Buffett, 94, not made substantial charitable bequests since the early 21st Century, Buffett’s personal wealth would now eclipse Musk’s, at more than $364 billion.

Musk bristled at hearing the news report.

“Buffett is an old shit,” snarled the native S. African, who migrated to N. America at age 18 and labored for more than a year picking cabbage in S. California. “He says he would be richer, if only — coulda, woulda, shoulda, c’mon, gimme a break! Warren Buffett is older than dirt. He can barely walk across the room, whereas I can carry a kitchen sink into a skyscraper! And I can bed a dozen cat ladies before breakfast: just ask Taylor Swift!”

Buffett, the founder and manager of Berkshire Hathaway investment group, would say only that, “I’m going to heaven, and that ‘apartheid asshole’ is going to fry and sizzle in hell, like a strip of bacon, you mark my words!”

Musk has become the almost constant companion and unofficial “first friend” of President-elect former President Donald J. Trump, on whom he lavished some $100 million in campaign sponsorship during the 2024 election cycle. Musk felt it was money well spent. It could make him even richer. “Richie Rich,” said Musk, citing an insider name for the president-elect, “promised me my investment would be returned to me a thousand-fold, and I intend to hold that miserable orange bastard to it.”

8 of the world’s 10 most well-heeled individuals are Americans and 10 of 10 are men, all possessing fortunes exceeding $120 billion. This coterie includes Mark Zuckerberg, Jeff Bezos, and of course, Donald Trump. The world’s wealthiest woman is Alice Walton, one of the principal heirs to the Walmart fortune, with more than $90 billion. “Alice Walton,” wrote Forbes effusively, “is the glue that holds Wally World together.” The magazine holds her responsible for the retail corporation’s two major policies which were initiated this year: 1) insuring that hourly employees clock out when taking bathroom breaks; and 2) renting out shopping carts with working wheels to shoppers at $.99 a pop. “It’s wildly successful,” wrote Forbes.

On Oct. 1 of this year, the combined wealth of the world’s top 10 billionaires stood at $1.75 trillion. As of Nov. 1, however, their accumulated wealth had slipped to just $1.71 trillion, a drop in value of some $40 billion. To buck this trend, President-elect Trump has come forth with a federal hardship package for billionaires presently under financial duress. This aid would consist of supplemental SNAP benefits, vouchers for free flights on Lear Jets and coupons for discounts on merchandise available at Trumpstore.com.

But, the fact remains that If Warren Buffett had never parted with more than half of his wealth, he would today be the world’s richest person. The “Oracle of Omaha,” whose company has steep and lucrative investments in Geico insurance, Duracell batteries and Dairy Queen restaurants, has received plaudits for his investing acumen all his life. He began filing taxes at age 13.

“Shit!” spat Donald J. Trump angrily, materializing like an orange ghost at Musk’s side, “I don’t pay taxes myself, even today, and I’m really rich! That just shows what a loser and a sucker that Warren Buffett is; I bet he’s a veteran! I call him the “Oinker of Omaha!” and Trump began laughing crazily.

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.