Steve Bannon, nominee for Director of OPM, promises “epic changes” to personnel management, including the employment exam.
In 1955 the Federal Service Entrance Examination (FSEE) was introduced to prospective employees anxious to find work with the federal government. The venerable “Civil Service Test” was given for jobs which were advertised with a starting salary of $4,040. Many thousands clamored for the exam.
The old pencil and paper tests were eventually abandoned following lawsuits charging that the exam discriminated against minorities, who fared poorly on the tests. The more contemporary tests, which replaced the FSEE, attempted to “engage applicants in skills they would use on the job.” This included demonstrating the practical uses of K-Y Jelly and kneepads.
Up until the changes to be implemented by Trump 2.0, most federal job applicants (80%) haven’t had to take an employment exam. Exceptions were made for certain vocations, including the Foreign Service, Air Traffic Control, law enforcement, the Postal Service, DEA informants and others. The bulk of applicants were judged on the bases of job experience, the USA Hire Assessment and other factors.
The USA Hire Assessment included sections on math, reading comprehension, fellatio, a personality test (those achieving a zero score were immediately assigned to executive spots) and others. But, Steve Bannon, Trump’s candidate for Director of the Office of Personnel Management (OPM), has other ideas.
Bannon, like those in the hundreds of other Senate-confirmed positions, will assume office as an acting director, thereby avoiding the necessity of Senate approval. Because the Federal Vacancies Reform Act (FVRA) limits an acting official to 210 days in office, Bannon’s tenure is limited. “Steve will do such a good job that the Senate will be begging him to take the position permanently,” boasted the president, who said he will preemptively pardon the convicted felon for any mischief he is likely to cause while working for the government.
“There are presently almost three million federal employees,” snarled future-Acting Director Bannon, “representing 1.9% of the American work force. I plan to wipe the slate clean and start over with three million vacancies which will be filled by men who have their minds right.” To this end, Bannon and the OPM have developed a test they call the Draconian Operations Official Form of the United States (DOOFUS) test.
Asked if this examination was developed by the Industrial Psychology faculty at George Mason U. or CUNY or St. Louis University or another of the leading educational institutions, Bannon scoffed at the notion of professional “interference” in his plans. He said he had “considerable help” from the Federalist Society, but admitted that he and “Squib” (Reichsfuhrer Steven Miller) had sketched the questions for the proposed exam “on a napkin” at the Georgetown Applebee’s over highballs the night before. Asked if he thought the exam would provide a valid representation of test-takers’ fitness for work, Bannon said, “Absolutely! Trump passed the exam; in fact, he aced it.” Then Bannon chuckled darkly.
When reporters requested an example of the data to be collected on DOOFUS and the sort of assessment queries it posed, Bannon was quick to comply. Following is a redacted sampling of the DOOFUS General Assessment Exam (GAE) questions:
1. TRAVEL: Number of XXXXhole countries you’ve visited this year and number of XXXXhole languages you speak fluently.
2. MATH: If you enacted a 1000% tariff on Japanese automobiles for one year, by how many billions of dollars will Elon Musk be enriched?
3. DEMOGRAPHICS: Are you a white person or a XXXXXX?
4. CRITICAL REASONING: If the most powerful, best-looking and most circumspect man in the world were cheated out of reelection, how many patriots should he summon to the U.S. Capitol for a regular tourist visit?
5. LEGAL: If you gave it to a chick because she really, really wanted it, and she cried rape, how many years in the clink should you sentence the compromised judge who heard the weaponized case?
6. PUBLIC HEALTH: Which is a more auspicious treatment for Covid: a hydroxychloroquine tablet, a bleach infusion or a Lysol enema?
7. SOCIOLOGY: If a horde of swarthy Black Lives Matter radicals collect in the streets, what caliber ammunition should police and patriots employ to keep the peace?
Bannon outlined new guidelines for hiring federal employees, which he said will be implemented in the president’s first 100 days. He said he plans to terminate the nearly 900,000 women presently employed by the U.S. government. “They belong at home,” said Bannon venomously, “having Republican babies.” For those past reproductive age, he said he would “set them up on cat farms” somewhere in the Midwest.
He said he also plans to augment the federal work force by counting “some individuals” as just 3/5 of a person. Asked if he thought he could gain Congressional approval for such a scheme, Bannon said, “Screw Congress. The Supreme Court will approve it! They’re originalists and it’s part of the Constitution,” he said. “Look it up!”
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