Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/3/24

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Macy’s, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Macy's
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Macy’s says an employee hid as much as $154 million in expenses

They’d have caught him sooner, but they thought he was full of hot air!

Tulsi Gabbard nabs Director of National Intelligence job

The big surprise is … for which country?

California cracks down on computer boot camps

… Only to have to deal with them coming back as computer re-boot camps.

Delta CEO says the Trump administration will reverse government ‘overreach’ seen under Biden

… As opposed to passengers reaching over for their luggage and not finding it.

Black Friday hits a record $74.4B in sales online, up 5% on last year

I went to an after-Thanksgiving sale once. Never again, because it’s true: once you go Black Friday, you never go back.

Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck reportedly have strong feelings about this JLo-related issue

… Is she really still Jenny from the block or should they judge her by that rock?

Russian PM warns against ‘hysterics’ over ruble collapse

Now, that’s what I call Putin on a happy face.

Southern California woman accused of operating brothels disguised as skin care spas

… Might have gotten away with it if she hadn’t named the spas “Happy Endings!”

Musk, father of 12, spent Thanksgiving dancing to “YMCA” with Trump away from his family

Good thing he didn’t bring any of the kids, or someone would have needed to call Child Protective Services!

A staggering number of Americans aren’t aware Earth revolves around the Sun

… Or, as Republicans call them, “our base.”

Diddy finally gets an offer for his raided L.A. mansion, but for half the asking price

In fairness, it doesn’t include the baby oil.

Stunning photos show the ancient tradition of honey hunting in Nepal

Now, most Nepalis use eHarmony to find a honey.

News: Man mugged as he exits Starbucks

The real news is that he had any money left.

Reps for Beyoncé, Eminem, and others said they were not paid to endorse Harris: Fact check

… While those endorsing Trump never got their payment.

Paul Lander
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