Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Macy’s, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Macy’s says an employee hid as much as $154 million in expenses

They’d have caught him sooner, but they thought he was full of hot air!

Tulsi Gabbard nabs Director of National Intelligence job

The big surprise is … for which country?

California cracks down on computer boot camps

… Only to have to deal with them coming back as computer re-boot camps.

Delta CEO says the Trump administration will reverse government ‘overreach’ seen under Biden

… As opposed to passengers reaching over for their luggage and not finding it.

Black Friday hits a record $74.4B in sales online, up 5% on last year

I went to an after-Thanksgiving sale once. Never again, because it’s true: once you go Black Friday, you never go back.

Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck reportedly have strong feelings about this JLo-related issue

… Is she really still Jenny from the block or should they judge her by that rock?

Russian PM warns against ‘hysterics’ over ruble collapse

Now, that’s what I call Putin on a happy face.

Southern California woman accused of operating brothels disguised as skin care spas

… Might have gotten away with it if she hadn’t named the spas “Happy Endings!”

Musk, father of 12, spent Thanksgiving dancing to “YMCA” with Trump away from his family

Good thing he didn’t bring any of the kids, or someone would have needed to call Child Protective Services!

A staggering number of Americans aren’t aware Earth revolves around the Sun

… Or, as Republicans call them, “our base.”

Diddy finally gets an offer for his raided L.A. mansion, but for half the asking price

In fairness, it doesn’t include the baby oil.

Stunning photos show the ancient tradition of honey hunting in Nepal

Now, most Nepalis use eHarmony to find a honey.

News: Man mugged as he exits Starbucks

The real news is that he had any money left.

Reps for Beyoncé, Eminem, and others said they were not paid to endorse Harris: Fact check

… While those endorsing Trump never got their payment.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)