Trump Merch: MAGA Magic Wands - Ralph Lombard, Humor Times

President-elect announces first post-election Trump merch offering: MAGA Magic Wands.

New Trump merch was unveiled today, highlighting his latest venture and featuring his own official line of MAGA Magic Wands.

“These magic wands are almost exactly the same as my own personal magic wand which I used to win the election,” Trump said, “except mine is way bigger and better-looking!”

Trump touted “thousands” of uses for the MAGA magic wand. “Use it to make obscene amounts of money, and then use it to not pay any taxes! Use it to make criminal cases against you go away and disappear into thin air! You can even use it to meet your perfect soul-mate and then, when you get tired of her, use it to conjure up really hot hookers and porn stars! And at $66.60 it’s an absolutely unbelievable bargain!

“The beauty of MAGA magic wands,” the President-elect continued, “is that they’re so easy to operate. You simply close your eyes and wish really, really hard, then wave your magic wand around while saying the magic words: Fake news, fake news, fake news! That’s all there is to it. Any idiot can do that!

“I myself will be using my official presidential magic wand to fix everything during my coming term in office,” Trump pledged. “I would have done it during my first term, but there were way too many negative vibes from all of those hateful non-believers. But this time around we’ll be getting rid of all the troublemakers, so everything should turn out perfectly!”

The MAGA magic wands are also fully guaranteed.

“Of course, you must be a true believer to make them work properly,” Trump explained, “But I tell you, if only you believe only me, then you could have a mountain of irrefutable, damning evidence lifted up and tossed into the sea!”

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Ralph Lombard

I was born a young baby. Then I grew up. Then I grew confused. Then I grew tired. I'm a 20th century man who's somehow been transported to the 21st century, with one foot in the gone past and the other in the here now. I started my blog mymanymoodsofme toward the end of 2012. There I write humorous essays, stories and poems (lyrics from my songs), in addition to my aphorisms. It's good work... if you get it. In my spare time I play chess, write songs, and reflect upon what I see. I'm very happy to be colluding with Humor Times, and hope you enjoy the result. Cheers!