Major shake-ups planned in all departments by Trump cabinet nominees.
This reporter has obtained exclusive insider information regarding the plans of Trump’s various cabinet nominees.
To shore up her chances for Senate approval of her appointment, Linda McMahon is prepared to indicate whom she plans to hold major positions in the Department of Education.
Ms. McMahon says her second in command will be Jessie Ventura, which given his experience in government as governor, she feels will impress the senators.
Hulk Hogan will be in charge of restructuring physical education across the nation. He plans on beginning by removing football as the primary sport for most high schools, citing the physical dangers of contact sports and its lack of application in the real world. Wrestling will be adopted in its place, which he believes encourages one-to-one interaction and offers skills for self protection on the street.
In all gym classes, jumping jacks will be replaced with the Elon Musk leap. All high school girls will be required to take a course on deportment, that is, how a lady acts in public, with the textbook to be written by Lauren Bobert.
Finally, McMahon will establish a new position, Czar of Home Schooling, and provide vouchers for parents who home school their children. She believes encouraging home schooling will not only save on the costs of school maintenance, but will improve relations between parents and their teenagers, since the teens will no longer be able to feel that they know more than their parents.
Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, another one of Trump’s star cabinet nominees, plans on banning Ritalin and all drugs used to treat hyperactivity and learning disabilities.
Based on his own experience, he said, they will be replaced with heroin, which he claims finally allowed him to achieve academically. He has set aside a stash to help him have clarity during the Senate hearings on his candidacy. Kennedy plans to have the FDA draw up guidelines for edible road kill and will ask Martha Stewart if she will collaborate on a road kill cookbook with him.
He feels the concept of the Centers for Disease Control is too negative and will transform it into the Center for Health Control focusing on improving alternative medicine such as aroma therapy. Callers to the CDC will now be referred to Google and QAnon.
Before withdrawing for consideration as Attorney General, Matt Gates had prepared a document he had planned to share with his fellow senators. The document suggested a number of changes in the law. First was a change in the age of legal consent to engage in sexual activity to 14, citing the increased maturity of younger generations, particularly visible in the physical development of teenage girls. Also, as a result, individuals using girls 14 through 17 in pornography could no longer be prosecuted for child sexual abuse as long as the girl consented.
Kristi Noem plans on using highly trained dogs to patrol the border. She will establish and run a training camp for the dogs. Upon completion, the dogs will undergo a rigorous testing of their skills, such as identifying darker skinned people and holding them in place with teeth on their necks. Worthless dogs who do not pass the test will be shot by Ms. Noem herself.
Mr. Trump has been very diligent in his pursuit of candidates, spending hours a day on the internet. He is particularly sympathetic to those he feels have been victimized like himself with allegations of sexual harrassment. He has brushed aside the list of qualifications for each position provided by his staff, believing his intuition and the quality of their screen shot are better indicators of their suitability for the position. His only frustration is that his internet searches have not provided information on female candidates’ bra size.
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