[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Promises to Issue Pardons on a ‘Scale Never Before Seen’

In response to Biden’s pardon of his son, the President-elect promises to issue pardons “so fast it will make Joe’s head spin.”

In response to President Joe Biden’s full and unconditional pardon to his son Hunter, as well as to more than 1,500 other non-violent offenders, President-elect former President Donald J. Trump has promised to issue pardons “on a scale never before seen.” The White House announced on Sunday, Dec. 1 that Hunter was now exempt from any punishment which might have meted out by the courts; sentencing had been set for Dec. 12.

issue pardons
Trump plans to issue pardons for “peaceful tourists” like this one, who entered the Capitol in a “creative” way after “gently” smashing a cop upside the head with a fire hydrant.

Biden has also reportedly been pondering issuing preemptive pardons to those individuals who find themselves on Trump’s ever-growing enemies list. Those targeted for prosecution by the new Trump administrative include former Rep. Liz Chaney, Senator-elect Adam Schiff, Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg, Fulton County DA Fani Willis, MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough, NY Times reporter Peter Baker, Humor Times editor and “enemy from within” James Israel and hundreds more.

Earlier in his administration, Biden had granted clemency to thousands of citizens convicted of marijuana possession, as well as to those drummed out of the military over LGBTQ and gender issues. Nominee for DOD Secretary Pete Hegseth is on record as saying that the LGBTQ offenders “should have been used for bayonet practice in basic training exercises.”

During the recent campaign, Trump jumped on the pardon bandwagon with promises to pardon as many as 1,400 Capitol rioters from the Jan. 6, 2021 insurrection. But, with the Hunter Biden pardon, Trump maintains that a precedent has been set and he can now pardon with abandon. “More than 73 million citizens have a criminal record,” noted Trump, “and I intend to pardon them all.”

When asked to distinguish between “hard core” criminals, like killers and other violent perpetrators, Trump said that it didn’t matter to him. “There are over 2 million persons incarcerated in our federal lockups,” he remarked, adding that, by vacating the penitentiaries and jails, he would open up needed spaces for interning illegals once Steven Miller’s Brownshirts begin a systematic roundup of the vermin subcultures.

The President’s pardon power is found in Article II, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution. Franklin Roosevelt leads all past presidents in issuing pardons at some 2,819. In his first term, Trump issued just 143, most of them to former members of his administration and to relatives. Trump stated that he plans to staff his administration, including his cabinet, with convicted felons.

Trump noted further that people of color are incarcerated at a rate five times that of whites and that, after his conviction on 34 felony counts in the Manhattan Hush Money case earlier this year, he “feels their pain. Blacks love me,” he said. “I’m the best thing that ever happened to coloreds… er, people of color.”

Trump added that he and Elon Musk are “noodling” to develop a string of high-end golf courses in every state in the union and will thus provide “many thousands of new Black jobs,” in the housekeeping, culinary and grounds keeping industries. This will give the ex-prisoners something productive to do,” he said.

Factoid: Despite his previous show of support for embattled DOD Secretary nominee Pete Hegseth, Trump said he is looking now at convicted felon Michael Flynn to fill the spot. Flynn, a one-time two-star general, was a short-lived advisor to Trump in his first administration. Trump says that Flynn has the needed administrative experience, leadership ability, loyalty and, most importantly, is a convicted felon.

Bill Tope
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