Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a sequel to ‘Days of Thunder,’ doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

A ‘Days of Thunder’ sequel is in the early works with Tom Cruise set to return

At this point, Cruise is close to the age where the car’s rear blinker will stay on the whole film.

Billionaire who performed the first private spacewalk is Trump’s pick to lead NASA

While the Department of Labor will go to the ‘Octomom.’

ADHD linked to air pollution, research suggests

Or, maybe, it’s linked to air pollution.

Hunter Biden pardoned

Hunter’s offenses were so light he’d barely qualify for a Trump appointed Ambassadorship to a third world country.

Comedian Matt Rife addresses his suddenly unrecognizable appearance amid plastic surgery rumors

Matt, I knew Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers was a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Joan Rivers.

Mississippi coroner advises residents to shoot burglars

In fairness for him, it’s a damn good way to drum up business.

Delta passengers endured a 5-hour flight to nowhere, ending up back at JFK

While their luggage is enjoying Hawaii.

Musk Warns Congress: I’m keeping a ‘naughty or nice’ list

So, Elon’s now the Insanity Claus.

Britney Spears reveals she’s relocating to Mexico to get away from the paparazzi

She’ll be back in tres, dos, uno.

NATO jets intercept Russian military plane over Baltic States

… As opposed to NY Jets who only get intercepted.

Happy 76th birthday, Ozzie Osbourne

I worry about Ozzie. If he had a stroke how would we know?

Scientists baffled by Orcas wearing dead salmon as hats

… Worst Rand Paul impression ever!

Doctors are raising alarm about insurance company’s plan to put time limit on coverage for anesthesia during surgery

Who knew Doctors took anesthesia during surgery?

US adds 227,000 jobs

Actually … 226,999, if you count Matt Gaetz.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)