An exclusive interview with a Martian reveals that they are worried about Earthlings illegally immigrating to their red planet.
Elon Musk has been sounding the alarm that our dear planet is facing destruction in the not-too-distant future. He asserts that if nuclear war doesn’t finish us Earthlings off, a devastating asteroid strike surely will.
Musk maintains that we need to start leaving our doomed planet or face extermination. And he isn’t the only Debbie Downer that was claiming that the end is near. The late Stephen Hawing believed it too.
Mr. Musk is, therefore, working on a project to save at least some of us. He has a detailed plan to put one million people on a new planet within the next one hundred years. And the heavenly body that he has chosen to ship us off to is… Mars.
You might think that everybody would be happy about this fail-safe plan, but it turns out that some are very opposed to it. Who are these creatures that disapprove? Why they are the Martians, of course.
While in Florida I recently came upon a little green man who wanted to share with me the Martian animosity toward the idea.
Here is the transcript of the encounter:
Me: Oh my God, who or what, are you?
Martian: I come from the planet Mars.
Me: You speak English!
Martian: Yes, I speak all the primitive Earth languages, although I struggle with Dutch.
Me: Do you want me to take you to our new incoming leader?
Martian: No! I am here illegally, and I know how he feels about illegal aliens. I have green skin, but no green card.
Me: So, what are you doing here? Have you come to enslave us? Or are you going to use us as a food source and drink our bodily fluids?
Martian: I think you watch too many movies. Why does your broadcast media always portray us as monsters who have come to Earth to harm you? We are actually kind and fun, much more like Uncle Martin in the old sitcom My Favorite Martian than the invaders in War of the Worlds. No, we come in peace.
Me: You seem very familiar with our broadcast media.
Martian: Oh yes. We hack into all your broadcast sites except Fox News. We love your music, movies and T.V. shows. We especially enjoy watching your sports.
Me: Even golf?
Martian: Well, we make our children watch human golf at night. It is a great way to get them to fall asleep.
Me: Ok, so why have you come here?
Martian: Mars is a lot farther from the sun than your planet, so it gets cold. Therefore, we come to Florida every winter to enjoy the warm weather.
Me: How come no one has noticed you before? You are short and green, and you have three eyes. You really stand out.
Martian: We are shape shifters. We can transform into human form, only a little pastier. People just assume that we are Canadians.
Me: So why did you show yourself to me?
Martian: We read your articles in Humor Times magazine and just assumed you were the smartest person on Earth.
Me: Yes, that is correct although it is not widely understood or believed. My wife calls it fake news.
Martian: OK. I need to speak to you about a project that Earthlings are working on. We understand that you humans are planning on illegally immigrating to our red planet. We know there is a “Mars Society” on Earth dedicated to promoting the human exploration and settlement of our planet and we have seen the plan to colonize Mars by the human named Musk. The idea of Earthlings coming to Mars is unacceptable. Therefore, our supreme leader has called for a complete ban on humans entering our atmosphere.
Me: Why is he so opposed to Earthlings going to Mars?
Martian: He fears that you won’t be sending your best. You will send people who have lots of problems such as Lindsey Lohan or Marjorie Taylor Green and anyone who appeared on the TV show Bridezilla. He believes that they will bring fluoride and crime, and some will be rapists. Also, many will not be vaccinated.
Me: Well, I don’t think you need to be worried about human beings attacking little green Martians.
Martian: What about the one who calls himself Gaetz?
Me: Oh. Good point.
Martian: I’m sorry but our leader is opposed to immigrants from s**thole planets like Earth, although he said he would consider humans from the land of Norway.
Me: What does your leader look like?
Martian: He looks like any other Martian except he has funny hair, and he always wears a hat emblazoned with the words, “Make Mars Marvelous Again.”
Me: I believe our planets may have more in common than you think.
Martian: Maybe. Now can you deliver a message to the human named Musk? Tell him to colonize Neptune or Uranus instead. We want Earth dwellers to live long and prosper, just not on our planet. And if you come to Mars, we will deport you on day one.
Me: Sure, I will give him your message.
Martian: Great. Now I must phone home and tell our leader that I have delivered our warning to an Earthling.
So, Elon Musk, please take note, the Martians know of your plans for their planet, and they are not happy. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
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