Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Taylor Swift’s skinny jeans, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Taylor Swift’s new photos prove skinny jeans are here to stay

Easy for Taylor to say, when she also has skinny genes!

Assad reportedly in Russia

… Although, it’s not official until Sarah Palin spots him from her house.

Women’s Health Magazine: Is there an optimal time to go on a walk?

… Guessing they don’t mean to or from your car at Taco Bell.

RFK Jr.’s lawyer and top ally asked FDA to revoke approval of polio vaccine

Here’s betting RFK Jr.’s wife Cheryl Hines will star in the TV version of ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Measles.’

750-million-dollar-man Juan Soto moves from the Bronx to Queens

Although … good chance he’ll spend most of it in Manhattan.

Witness: Kentucky judge traded favors for sex

What’s crazy is how many of his first cousins appeared before him.

Fleetwood Mac’s Lindsey Buckingham moves for restraining order against obsessed fan citing death threats

I guess they didn’t go for the request ‘to go their own way … to call it another lonely day’

Mother finds out husband named their daughter after a Batman character and kept it secret for 10 months

… No word if her daughter will officially change her name from ‘Penguin.’

Mark Zuckerberg donating a million bucks to Trump inaugural

Word is Don Jr was pissed when he found out Instagram wasn’t his favorite kinda gram.

Amazon warehouse worker stole $160,000 in electronics

… Would have gotten away with it too, if he hadn’t asked for the 1- 3- day shipping

Happy 99th birthday, Dick Van Dyke

Or, as he’s known amongst the more PC: ‘Penis Van Lesbian.’

Whale feces could be the solution to climate change

Make way for the ‘Take a Dumpback Whale!’

Texas lawmaker introduces law banning sex toys from drugstores

… Clearing out aisles 6 and 9.

The average white American only has one black friend

I call dibs on Oprah.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)