Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Due to an unresolved labor dispute at the North Pole, Donald Trump and Elon Musk have offered to replace Santa Claus this Christmas.
According to SNN Christmas correspondent Svetlana Jinglebellski, an effort to replace Santa Claus is under way, as the venerable Father Christmas has had to opt out of delivering toys around the world this Christmas due to a labor dispute at the North Pole.
Once again, Santa is experiencing labor problems with his work force. Several Christmases ago Santa had to deal with unionized Reindeer. This year, his elves have formed the “International Brotherhood of Diminutive Recreational Device Engineers” union and will go on strike on December 22 if their demands are not met.
Among the union demands are:
- Starting wage of $97.50 USD per hour.
- A 14 hour work week.
- 6 months paid vacation.
- Move entire operation from North Pole to Las Vegas.
- Clothing allowance.
- Slot machine allowance.
- Showgirl dating allowance.
- Shift from sleighs to Lear jets
- Royalty on every Christmas toy sold online.
In a statement to the Christmas media, Mr. Claus said that he is unable to financially meet these demands and may have to close up shop.
Upon hearing that there may be no Christmas toys for millions of kids around the world, President-elect Donald Trump said that he and Elon Musk will step up and deliver the toys using Space X rockets.
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SNN Words to Live By
“Santa Claus is watching you.” — Ray Stevens, 1962 song.
“Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge.
“All I want for Christmas is two phat bitches and a bag of weed.” — Day Day (Mike Epps), “Friday After Next” movie.
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