The Trump Presidential Library: After his own books and the “God Bless the USA Bible,” what else is good enough to put in it?
Last week a settlement was reached over a defamation suit brought by President-elect former President Donald J. Trump against ABC News. ABC agreed to contribute some $15 million to the construction of a Trump Presidential Library. This announcement raised a natural question: how do you stock a library dedicated to a man who doesn’t read?
Throughout his first term as president, Trump was renowned for eschewing written reports, opting instead to absorb information through oral presentations. “Donald, he eez very oral,” said his wife Melania without enthusiasm. Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal and Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA) all readily agree.
Tony Schwarz, who ghost wrote Trump’s first and most famous book, “The Art of the Deal,” revealed recently that the 45th president can in fact neither read nor write. “Trump is functionally illiterate,” maintained Schwarz, who wrote “The Art” in 1987 and has rued the day he met the ex-president. “He is able to sign his own name,” revealed Schwarz, “but just barely, and only with a Sharpie.”
Schwarz likewise regrets writing the book for Trump. “I put lipstick on a pig,” recalled the former Playboy writer. “If I were writing the book today,” he said, “I’d title it “The Sociopath.” If he is illiterate, then how can the newly-elected president be responsible for the 40 books credited to him? “Trump maintains a warehouse in W. Palm Beach,” revealed Schwarz, “and there he has a thousand chimpanzees chained to a thousand typewriters, and therein lies the secret of Trump’s literary success.”
Though the authorship of these volumes may seem suspect at best, Trump has likewise taken credit for the “God Bless the USA Bible,” which he shares with Jesus the Savior. Trump denies the book was ghost written. Other likely contributions, aside from Trump’s own books, include nominee for FBI Director Kash Patel’s “Plot Against the King” and 140 subsequent installments of the serial saga.
Trump has begun talks with contractors to build the aforementioned Trump Presidential Library, but has reportedly encountered some setbacks. The problem, explained Trump henchman Steven Cheong, is that the president-elect has worked with–and stiffed–nearly evey contractor in North America. The plan, said Cheong, is for Trump to lease space for the library on the upper two floors of Trump Tower to the Presidential Library Commission for a cool $40 million per year. “It’s supply and demand,” said Cheong, dismissing charges of impropriety. ‘It’s all good.”
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