Pardons: Joe Biden on Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Joe Biden about all his pardons.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Is it a good day? Yes, it is. Today in studio my guest is President Joe Biden.

Joe Biden DonkeyHotey, pardons — Joe Biden. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

(shouts) That jerk Donald Trump will be the president again!

JERRY

Calm down. Let me get you a cup of coffee so you can think straight.

BIDEN

Okay. I drink a cup every day at Dunkin’ Donuts. You can’t go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have an Indian accent. I’m not joking. I imitate Nikki Haley when I pay at the register.

JERRY

Give us your best impression.

BIDEN

(Indian accent) Sir. I vant a large cobra. Does dat come vit a snake charmer?

JERRY

Great! You have a career in standup comedy when you leave office.

BIDEN

I’m here, because I have an important announcement to make about my pardons.

JERRY

Is this an exclusive?

BIDEN

Yes. Donald Trump has threatened retribution against his perceived enemies, including me. Why? Because we told the truth. I have the authority to grant clemency, not only of individuals, but several forms of relief from criminal punishment. I’m also considering preemptive pardons for the January 6 committee.

JERRY

Do I get a pardon for buying my mother a nose trimmer for Mother’s Day ten years ago?

BIDEN

Gross.

JERRY

Continue, Mr. President.

BIDEN

Folks. Here is my list of pardons besides my son Hunter in no particular order.

Number 1 My dogs Major and Champ for jumping, barking and charging at staff and security. My press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre was so scared, the fire department had to rescue her from the top of the White House Christmas tree. I’m serious.

Number 2 My two feet for giving me arthritis. That’s why the hell I shuffle and stumble. I’d replace them if I could.

Number 3 Vice President Kamala Harris for losing the election. I’m tired of her giggle in my sleep.

Number 4 The teleprompter that Liz Cheney read from with the charges against Donald Trump for his role in the January 6, 2021 insurrection on our Capitol.

Number 5 Senator Ted Cruz for being ugly.

Number 6 The New York Yankees for losing the World Series.

Number 7 Tucker Carlson’s mother for giving birth to him.

Number 8 Fox News shows for being on the air.

Number 9 Melania Trump for staying married to her husband.

Number 10 The worm in RFK Jr’s brain. Poor fella.

JERRY

You mean RFK Jr?

BIDEN

No. The worm.

JERRY

Understood.

BIDEN

(coughs) Pardon me.

JERRY

Are you pardoning yourself?

BIDEN

(coughs) Pardon me.

JERRY

I don’t have the power to pardon you.

BIDEN

Shucks. That’s not what I’m saying. Back in the day, you would cough to cover up a fart. It’s a habit.

JERRY

(holds nose) PU.

JERRY

Did you know when the inventor of Halls cough drops died, there was no coffin at his funeral?

BIDEN

Shucks. Miss Piggy had Kermit the frog in her throat. What’s the big deal?

JERRY

President Joe Biden. See you tomorrow.

BIDEN

Hold on, man. I have more pardons to read.

JERRY

Take a nap. We’re out of time.

The Comedy Zone

I Googled the definition for “bitch” and found Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.