Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about morning after pills in vending machines, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Morning after pills in vending machines

I remember when the only after sex thing you could buy in a vending machine was cigarettes.

Taylor Swift celebrated the end of her Era Tour

… While Trump’s dead budget deal marks the start of his Errors Tour.

Carnivorous squirrels discovered in California

Now, Boris and Natasha aren’t only ones making Moose nervous.

Judge in Hunter Biden case sued over underage drinking party, alleged beating

Judge: Pardon me?

Hanukkah begins on same day as Christmas this year

Nothing says Happy Hanukkah like ‘The McRib is Back!’

King Charles’s framed photos of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle hint at a reconciliation

… As opposed to the pic’s former spot on a dartboard.

Inexperienced nudist acquitted of indecent exposure charges

For his sake, I hope it wasn’t for insufficient evidence.

Happy birthday, Keith Richards

You don’t look a day over 107.

Five anarchists arrested for plotting to blow up a bridge

It might have happened if they could have decided who was in charge.

Police warn residents of wild monkey sightings in 3 Florida communities

On the upside, glad to see Mickey Dolenz can still party!!!!

Has Elon Musk been denied access to SpaceX’s biggest government secrets over drugs and foreign contacts?

Dah!

The Amazing Kreskin has passed away at 89

Amazingly, when they opened the envelope that contained his will, he had written the number 89 on a piece of paper!

Jamie Foxx gets stitches after a glass was thrown at him during birthday dinner

Damn, the world’s upside down, Jamie’s supposed to leave people in stitches.

Trump wants immigrants to arrive the old-fashioned way

… As Eastern European Mail order brides …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)