Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Costco, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Costco opening new store locations in early 2025

Yup, they even buy locations in bulk.

Elon Musk, Vivek Ramaswamy spark MAGA backlash after calling for more immigrant tech workers

So, looks like the black jobs Vivek and Elon are afraid will be taken are by white people replacing Indian tech workers.

‘Polarization’ is Merriam-Webster’s word of the year

Actually, Merriam went for it, Webster didn’t. Coin flip decided. They’re reportedly not speaking.

Biden announces student loan relief for borrowers

The only one paying off more student loan debt than Biden is Matt Gaetz by Venmo.

Scientists think they know why Stonehenge was rebuilt thousands of years ago

For quicker answers, they could just ask Keith Richards who was there at the time.

Marianne Williamson launches bid for DNC chair as Democrats debate future of party

I guess her crystals made things clear.

It’s Boxing Day

Unless you watch a rerun of the Tyson-Paul fight, where no actually boxing took place.

Beginning Jan. 1, cars registered in Texas won’t need to pass a safety inspection

So, when it comes to safety, Texas is known as the Lone Star State because that’s it’s Yelp review.

Scientists want to declare sugar toxic

If they really want to study something toxic, they should spend the holidays with my family.

Justin Baldoni’s Blake Lively ‘texts’ published as actor reportedly dropped by management

On the upside, Baldoni’s now well-qualified to be Attorney General in Trump Administration.

Jeff Bezos denies his Aspen wedding to Lauren Sánchez will cost $600 million

Would’ve been a billion but he got a Prime discount.

Rickey Henderson is gone at 65

You’d think if anyone could steal a few extra years he’d be the guy. God speediest.

Scientists at Large Collider hope to make contact with Parallel Universe

And, reconnect people with all those missing socks.

META donates $1 million to Donald Trump’s inaugural fund

… META is now short for ‘Never META an Ass It Didn’t Kiss’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)