Ripping the Headline Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the NYE Times Square ball drop, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

New Year’s Eve ball drop in Times Square ushers in 2025

This New Year’s Eve, the K-Pop boy band Stray Kids’ balls and the Times Square ball all dropped at the same time.

Speaker Johnson quoted a Thomas Jefferson prayer turns out Jefferson didn’t write

… Just proving Jefferson correctly said, “don’t believe everything you read on the internet.”

Polar vortex 2025: Extremely cold temperatures headed to the eastern US

How cold is it on the East Coast? It’s so cold people are going to strip clubs to catch tossed clothing for warmth.

Trump backs H-1B Visa program after Elon Musk vows ‘war’ during fiery online MAGA debate

Elon loves that H-1B status so much he named his second son after it.

Will Ferrell shows up at NHL Game as a Grumpy, Cigarette-Smoking Buddy the Elf

Seriously, Will, WTP?… What The Puck.

A hacker broke into the eHarmony data base

… Reports are he’s single, early thirties, likes romantic walks on the beach.

Aaron Rodgers: “If I wanna play and they don’t want me here, then I’ll see if there’s other options”

After all that Ivermectin, look for him to wind up with the Broncos or Colts.

Happy 78th birthday Patti Smith

Hopefully, she’s sending Bob Dylan to pick up her gifts.

Man awakens from 12-year coma

That’s right, he finally shut off FOX News.

Denise Richards reveals she ‘ruptured’ both breast implants while filming “Special Forces”

Jeez … talk about booby traps.

7 tons of cocaine found buried underneath farm

So, Old McDonald had a pharm …

Jocelyn Wildenstein, ‘Catwoman’ socialite known for her extreme cosmetic surgery, dies at 79

Her chin was 32, her breasts 27, her nose 52 …

Russia rejects Trump’s Ukraine peace proposals

Not surprisingly, Sarah Palin could see this coming from her house.

Daycare workers accused of staging fight club

… Look, if I want to watch a bunch of five-year old kids fight, I’ll tune in to CSPAN …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)