Co-President to Buy Canada, Greenland - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

As Co-President, Elon Musk says he will acquire Canada and Greenland and give them to the US.

SNN Political Finance correspondent Moe Bangforya Buckke reports that Co-President-Elect Elon Musk will purchase Canada and Greenland and give them to the US as the 51st and 52nd states.

Musk stated that he was able to purchase Greenland with funds from his petty cash box. He said that to purchase Canada, he was able to secure a 30 year fixed rate mortgage from The Bank of Quong Bong (“We Put the Douche in Fiduciary”).

Musk said that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau will become Governor Trudeau and that the famed Royal Canadian Mounted Police will be deployed to the Mexican border.

Greenland will serve as the chief base for the GOOMIS Air and Space Defense System that he purchased from The Planet Zardoc.

Mr. Musk said that he is currently in negotiations to purchase the Panama Canal and the Vatican.

Breaking News

Don’t pay your phone bill and your phone will explode.

SNN poverty correspondent Deadasse Byrokke reports that major phone companies will begin using the same technology that Israeli Intelligence Forces used to explode Hamas cell phones against folks who don’t pay their phone bills in 2025. The delinquent will receive two warning notices… then Bazinga boom boom.

SNN Words to Live by

“A lot of people feel the spirit of generosity. But when they find out it’s gonna cost them money, they have second thoughts.” — Rev. Dan Bradford (John McMartin), Bob Newhart Show, 1970’s comedy series.

“Life is not about how many people you can knock down. It’s about how many people you can lift up.” —
NFL player JJ Watt.

“Sometimes attitude overcomes aptitude.” — Pro Wrestler Angelo Mosca.

“Canadians don’t lie.” — Pro wrestler Chelsea Green.

The Question

What’s the most romantic song lyric ever written?

Author’s pick: “You are perfection. You’re my idea of angels singing the Ave Maria.” — Lyric by Jack Sharpe from “So Rare,” 1957 recording by Jimmy Dorsey.

Answer to last question, “Which of the following is not a disease?”

NDA, URI, UTI, EEE, AZM, STD, AMD.

The answer: NDA is a non disclosure agreement, AZM is Japanese girl wrestler.

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.