How to Justify Deporting Illegal Aliens

As president, he plans to declare public health emergency to get rid of “nasty illegal aliens.”

The Trump Administration is seeking the best communicable disease it can employ to justify deporting millions of illegal aliens from the United States, according to Trump insiders.

ICE illegal aliens — Get used to this sight in your peaceful neighborhood. Photo: U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, Public Domain.

The insiders say smallpox, tuberculosis, sexually transmitted diseases, and even leprosy are all prime candidates for the administration to announce a new public health emergency for immediately deporting 15 million illegals.

In 2019, the Trump administration tried to use a mumps outbreak in immigration detention facilities to seal the U.S. border with Mexico. But that proved unsuccessful as the migrants kept pouring into the country.

President-for-Life Donald Trump said “we won’t let that happen again. This time we’ll get a disease that really works so I can declare a public health disaster.”

Trump said this new effort will be led by the brilliant health expert, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. With his anti-vaccine policies and as head of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Kennedy will make sure that every unvaccinated illegal immigrant stays unvaccinated in order to call them a threat to the public’s health and must be deported now.

Kennedy will report his efforts to the government’s acclaimed efficiency experts, Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy. Their stated goal is to get rid of every federal worker in existence, as they too are regarded as a clear and present danger to the public’s health.

For months, the Trump people have been searching for that one perfect disease that would allow the U.S.-Mexico border to be closed using something called Title 42. That restriction would allow for expelling migrants and illegal aliens on public health grounds.

Some officials have argued that using Title 42 at the southern border actually had the opposite effect to what Trump wants–it drove an increase in migrants attempting to cross the border multiple times, what is called recidivism.

“That’s all fake news,” countered Trump First Buddy Musk. He added that “personally, I’m all for leprosy as the best disease. It’s got it all. Scares people to death. You don’t want to get within 100 feet of anybody with it.”

Musk made this argument even if scientific experts on leprosy say the disease isn’t highly contagious. You can only get it through close and repeated contact when a person infected with leprosy coughs or sneezes, they reveal.

“Who believes anything those know-it-all so-called experts say?” said Musk. The billionaire commented while in a protective space suit with gloves. He wears that uniform whenever he gets near any of those scientists that he contends probably are themselves walking around with leprosy since they’re working around people with leprosy.

Musk pointed out that Trump, a renowned germaphobe, fears any disease-ridden “commoner” getting anywhere close to him. Especially somebody who might be from a “hellhole” foreign country probably carrying unfamiliar diseases. “You never know who those people have been around,” said Musk, mentioning they may have had daily contact with gorillas, rattle snakes, and mongooses.

This new health emergency will ensure that Trump stays safe. For instance, to avoid any stomach discomfort, Trump only eats his usual well done New York strip steak in Trump-named 5-star hotels where the wait staff, chefs, and hostesses, have all undergone rigorous screening to make sure they’re not carriers of something horrible. In the event Trump somehow does develop indigestion or even constipation, the staff will ensure it has on hand plenty of Gas X, Milk of Magnesia, or Ex-Lax.

When Trump’s on presidential travel, and forced to eat in unfamiliar locales, certified food tasters will be employed to sample the dinner fare before the chief executive takes a bite. If the tasters get food poisoning and drop dead, that’s their problem. That’s their job.

The Trump administration says it welcomes anybody with suggestions on what disease would best serve getting rid of migrants.

“White House operators will be standing by 24-7 to take your calls,” it said.

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Eric Green

Eric Green has Donald Trump to thank for a number of his satirical articles. As long as The Donald is around, Eric will continue to have new material to write about him. Eric finds writing satire a welcome escape from the realities of life. When he’s not trying to be satirical, Eric has been a former newspaper reporter, ex-press aide to a U.S. Senator on Capitol Hill, and ex-writer in the federal government. He's also the author of three mostly humorous books, the one he's most proud of is called Temporary Insanity, Costa Rica, My Way. For fun, he practices playing Beatles songs on the piano.You can find more about him on LinkedIn.