Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Facebook no longer factchecking, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Facebook no longer factchecking

… If that’s even its real name.

Self Magazine: How to stop protein farts and smelly gas from ruining your workouts

Uh, don’t pick a gym halfway between a KFC and a Taco Bell?

Joe Biden signs bill that paves way for Commanders’ potential return to Washington D.C.

Which one of his dogs was that again?

Atlanta is the sex trade Capitol of the U.S.

It seems the only one’s having trouble scoring in Atlanta are the Falcons.

RFK Jr listed a NY address when he actually lived in CA

Let’s see him brain worm his way out of this one.

Happy 43rd birthday, Kim Jong Un

Although, you might want to change you name to Kim Not-So-Jong Un.

Amazon paid $40 million for a documentary about Melania

Personally, I can’t wait to hear about how she grew up as black girl in a working-class Chicago neighborhood.

African lions last big cat covered by the Endangered Species Act

Hey, if the Detroit Lions can be revived, anything can.

Jennifer Lopez will keep 8.5-carat green diamond engagement ring from Ben Affleck, divorce settlement reveals

Don’t hate her for the rock, she’ll still be Jenny from the block … although the block’s now Rodeo Drive!

Elon Musk accused of censoring conservatives on X who disagree with his immigration stances

No word if he’s threatening to send them back where to they came from … their parent’s basement.

Russian tourist dies after being swept away by massive wave while doing yoga in Thailand

… Would’ve survived if they used the downward facing doggie paddle.

World’s oldest man dies at 111

No word yet if world’s second oldest man has an alibi.

Magic mushrooms lift severe depression in clinical trial

Y’hear that Domino’s?

The U.S. economy added 256,000 jobs in December

Would’ve been 256,001, except, y’know, Matt Gaetz.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)