Charlie Chan Picked: Elderly Crime Unit - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Honolulu police detective Charlie Chan tapped to head crime unit focused on stopping elderly crime wave.

According to SNN inside crime reporter Felonious Lowlife III, President-elect Donald Trump is very concerned about the rise of elder crime. To battle such old folk villainy, he is putting in place a federal bureau headed by famed detective Charlie Chan.

“Crime being committed by senior citizens is on the rise,” Mr. Trump said.

He cited the following incidents of elderly lawlessness:

In Reno, Nevada: 98 year old woman hired a hit man to kill her 101 year old husband of 77 years.
In Myrtle Beach, SC: 65 year old man robbed a bank.
In 2 Toe, Texas: 72 year old man shot up the Waffle House.
In London, England: gang of 74 year old thieves broke into a vault and stole 15 million in cash.

The new federal bureau will be known as The OAFS or The Old Ass Felons Squad. It will be headed up by famed former Honolulu Police Homicide Detective, 100 year old Charlie Chan.

Assisting Mr. Chan will be 93 year old former LAPD police woman Pepper Anderson, 72 year old former SFPD detective Norman Buntz, 82 year old former SFPD vice cop Mick Belker and 67 year old former Detroit police detective Axel Foley.

Mr. Trump stated that the first old ass felon the squad investigates will be 84 year old Nancy Pelosi.

Breaking News

World Famous Soothsayer Predicts 2028 US Presidential Race Will Be AOC vs MTG.

According to famed Slobovian Soothsayer Poopooboomalous, the 2028 American Presidential election will be dominated by women. The final ballot will be Republican Marjorie Taylor Greene (MTG) against Democrat Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). Other female candidates will be Taylor Swift, Dolly Parton, Oprah Winfrey and an Artificial Ignorance entity known as “YO MAMA.”

SNN Words to Live By

“All it takes is one madman with a gun.” — James West (Robert Conrad), Wild Wild West, 1960’s TV series.

“Insanity is just a state of mind.” — Dr.Hawkeye Pierce (Alan Alda), Mash 1980’s TV series.

“Love is the only thing in life you’ve got to earn… everything else you can steal.” — Pappy Maverick, Maverick, 1950’s TV series.

The Question

In a famous Three Stooges comedy short, Moe orders a meal of burnt toast and a rotten egg. Why? (Post your answer in the comments below!)

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.