An Immodest Proposal: Why the U.S. Should Occupy Greenland

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By Rob Gabriel

Trump wants to occupy Greenland, an island — which means it is surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.

Some obsessions seem to consume Donald Trump: windmills, immigrants, low-flush toilets, real estate, space, sharks and Greenland. With renewed talk of wanting to occupy Greenland, he just sent Don Jr. to visit the island, purportedly to scout locations for the next Trump Arctic Tower and Trump Arctic Golf Course. But Jr. was likely disappointed to find that the white powder covering the landscape was just snow.

Occupy Greenland
Don Jr. was disappointed to learn that all the white powder covering the landscape was just snow. U.S. operated Pituffik Space Base, photo: USAF, Public Domain.

If Denmark doesn’t agree to sell Greenland to the US, is Trump prepared to declare war? Can’t he simply annex the island by drawing a sharpie around its borders on a map?

Remember, Greenland is an island which means it is surrounded by water, big water, ocean water. Who knew geopolitics could be so complicated? But be assured, he will hire only the ‘best people’ to negotiate with Denmark to take over Greenland because he is a stable genius, and that doesn’t just mean he knows a lot about horse stables.

But the real question remains – why does Trump want to own Greenland in the first place? Some speculate that it would serve geo-political purposes, or that it has rich mineral deposits that can be mined as the ice melts.

I think the answers to the question “Why occupy Greenland?” all point back to Trump’s other obsessions.

First, if he wants to get rid of millions of undocumented, non-Musk-approved immigrants, he then has a place to send them. Greenland will become MAGA’s version of Germany’s Madagascar Plan.

Second, he created the Space Force and reportedly still wants to send Americans to Mars while he is President. In his first term in office, he stated that it was one of his goals during his first chat when meeting NASA administrators. By annexing Greenland, he can build the new Space Force headquarters there. After all, it would be cool to build an American base on a place that looks like the ice planet of Hoth. The immigrants who will be forced there can then be put to work on the Space Force Base.

Finally, he wants to use Greenland for its melting ice, so by moving millions of people there and building a new space center there, he can help accelerate the melting, especially if they are built using US steel and coal, the industries of the future that he’s determined to subsidize.

As he once looked up to the sky for divine guidance and declared he was “the chosen one,” Trump was likely thinking of Mars and how he would be the president who would get us there. So Trump wants both Greenland and Mars to become part of his legacy, and since he was told by the people of NASA that it would take too long for American astronauts to reach Mars from the Kennedy Space Station in Florida, he had to ask his scientific advisors for a solution. They logically proposed that launching a space shuttle from a place like Greenland would help cut down the travel time to Mars – after all, Greenland is closer to space because it’s farther north on the globe.

We must prepare for a new era of imperialism in the Western Hemisphere. The whole purpose of rounding up immigrants in the US will be to use them as forced labor in Greenland. The previous Trump administration policy of unlimited detention and family separation only existed because they didn’t know what to do with the immigrants.

Now they know – send them to Greenland to build its infrastructure: factories, nuclear bunkers and silos, golf courses, Trump and Kushner properties, and the Space Force Center. Just as Trump wanted a border filled with snakes and alligators, he proposes to keep the detainees in Greenland by surrounding the island with sharks.

By developing Greenland and moving millions of people there, Trump hopes to melt the glaciers of Greenland. That way, we can make use of all its glacier water, because right now it’s not being used, and if there’s something Americans are good at, it’s using up all earth’s natural resources.

What can we do will all the melting ice and glacier runoff from Greenland? Trump always bemoans the fact that toilets and dishwashers in America are low-flow. Especially when you flush classified documents in the toilet, it’s a concern (at least it is for Trump) that you need to flush 10 times, 15 times. That then becomes a reason to buy Greenland and oppose all climate change initiatives.

After all, Trump wants Greenland’s ice and glaciers to melt, then he can build a giant North American plumbing project, using the labor of detained immigrants, of course. The Trump team’s plan to resuscitate the Keystone XL pipeline has nothing to do with oil. It’s going to be part of a larger plumbing project. The melting water from Greenland can be used to help Americans flush with more water. Get your priorities straight: the American flush is more important than Greenland’s glaciers.

So it makes sense to occupy Greenland. Its melting waters will help Americans enjoy a full flush. Developing the land by melting its ice would increase its property value, of course, but it would also be useful for military and strategic reasons. Greenland would be the perfect spot to launch space shuttles to Mars. Let’s do it.

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