Football Fans Cheer as Democracy Dies - Dave Henry, Humor Times

Democracy dies in darkness, or even in broad daylight, if people have higher priorities in their busy lives, like sports watching.

Americans rooted for their favorite NFL teams this weekend, thoroughly enjoying the waning days of democracy, which ended Monday.

You know I can’t complain,” said Tom McTaggart, a Kansas City Chiefs fan. “Democracy had a great run in America, and I just wanted to enjoy the final days of democracy doing what I love, watching football, betting on football, and eating Buffalo wings. And it was nice to end with a Chiefs win.”

Steve Morgan was hopeful that the upcoming American Oligarchy would be better for his Detroit Lions than democracy was.

Let’s be honest, the American democracy was not great for my Lions,” said Morgan. “We never won a Super Bowl. And never even made a Super Bowl. And this year, we had a great team, were the top seed, and we got blown out in the divisional round. I blame democracy for that. I’m ready for something new.”

Some fans were completely oblivious that these were indeed the final two days of American democracy. They just went on with their business, cheering on their favorite teams, unaware what democracy is, or why its ending.

Wait, final days of what?” said Sarah Thomas, a Houston Texans fan. “Democracy? Is that that new thriller on Apple TV? I can’t believe they’re canceling that show. It had a high score on Rotten Tomatoes.”

Phil Conlon, a Washington Commanders fan, was well aware that the world’s greatest democracy in human history was ending on Monday after 249 glorious years. But he preferred not to think about it on this final weekend.

End of what? I can’t you hear you,” he said, with his hands over his ears. “Just leave me alone and let me watch football. I’m in my happy place. Unlike Fleetwood Mac, I don’t want to think about tomorrow, because it will soon be here. Yesterday’s gone.” he said, sobbing. “Yesterday’s gone.”

Conlon planned to spend the next 20 years living in his own bubble where he will consume no media other than sports and the Humor Times.

I’m just going to pretend it didn’t happen,” Conlon. “The whole thing didn’t happen. If I ignore it, it will just go away, at least as far as I know. Go Commanders!”

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Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.