Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Jlo and Ben finalizing their divorce, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

divorce, Pete Davidson — Pete Davidson knows a thing or two about helping women rebound from a divorce.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck finalize their divorce

Run, Pete Davidson, run!

Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg will sit together Monday at Trump’s inauguration

… Or, as it’s known in sports: ’The Owner’s Box.’

Polar Vortex to blast 30 states with life-threatening cold

Damn, the weather is so extreme it oughta be called a Bipolar Vortex.

California Republicans Flee to Mar-a-Lago as LA Burns

In fairness, it’s tough to get a reservation this time of year in Cancun.

Brooke Shields says Tom Cruise ‘eventually apologized’ for his ‘ridiculous rant’ about postpartum depression

Now he might want to reach out and apologize to any of us who saw ‘The Mummy.’

Today would’ve been Martin Luther King Jr’s 96th birthday

He would’ve still had a dream, but he also would’ve had to get up three times during it to pee.

Octomom Nadya Suleman shares rare update on life with her 14 kids

On a side note, she’s a woman who doesn’t have a uterus … but a Gymboree.

Displaced L.A. pets find refuge at Utah animal shelters

… Males sense, it is home to ‘The Latter-Day Saint Bernard’s.’

How to download your TikTok data in case the app goes dark

It would be pretty nutty if people have to rely on a TikTok vid for instructions.

Tuna weighing as much as a grizzly bear sells for $1.3 million in Japan

… Or, as the bear calls it: an all you can eat sushi buffet.

Massive snowstorm to hit DC., Inauguration moved into Capitol Rotunda

The Capitol hasn’t seen anything this white since the Republican House majority named its committee chairs!

31-year=old man has 91-year-old ultimate cougar girlfriend

… I’m thinking less cougar and more saber tooth tigress.

Hailey Bieber and Kendall Jenner showed up to a party in the exact same spring shoe

They must have spent the night hopping around together.

Woman sued hospital for posting STD results on Facebook

… She also changed her relationship status to ‘It’s communicable’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)